Thursday, January 5, 2017

I fear

What happens when a person puts themselves on the line? They feel vulnerable, they want to die. They really want to die. Well, last year. I submitted a sub-par piece of writing to publishing website. I got a response asking for changes. Changes were made. Email was sent back. And no email was returned. The lack of followup means two things: My email was lost in the shuffle... Or... I'm worthless and will die in a pit of hopelessness.

I have been a lot happier. I am really trying to see the positive in everything. But, there is a certain point. The state in which the world is in is frightening. I am afraid of my oldest brother, I fear he is capable of brutal violence. He is capable of petty vengeance. I am afraid of my brain, at night. In the morning. I am afraid that my legs will give up at any moment I am walking. I am afraid that I feel like I can work, but I know I cannot work. I fear that I cannot admit to the ones I love that my pain is worse than what I let on. I am a slob, unable to contribute to those who contribute. I am the rut in the capitalism cycle. I do not talk to the people who want to talk to me. I will lose the ones who love me. I'm scared that North Dakota is the start of everything for Indigenous people when it comes to pipeline battles. It is not a battle we will win. But, they/we can try. I fear that the leader of the free world is capable of stupidity that we cannot fathom.
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I fear me and everything that comes with the word. The responsibility and the person.

I will never live up to anyone's expectations. For once, I do not have expectations on myself. And that is fucking beautiful.