A Retelling... and the years following.

Today is January 27, 2016. Bell Let's Talk.

It is a bittersweet day. It is a day that means more to me than (on most days) life itself.

Today I am here, I probably should not be. Most days I feel I should not be.

February 2012 was an awful time. The worst month I would experience for another 13 months until it was eclipsed by the death of my grandfather.

I woke up. Angry at those around me. Those in my life. The most lost I have ever been in my life. I hope.

I woke up. I didn't feel like it.

I woke up. One way or another.

I wanted a way out. It became the only thought. My only motivation that day.

I had ideas of how I wanted out. What I would leave behind. What my last acts would be.

Slowly playing out how I would end my life. Decisively. Who I would tell. At the time, was with my first and only girlfriend to date. I did not care. I felt she would heal in some way.

I woke up that day thinking it was the last day for the rest of my life. 21 years young and in pain. approaching my job with the apathy of a cat. I was going to commit the most selfish and most selfless act you could commit. The ultimate of my life.

I had planned out a couple of ways I was going out. I did not want to talk. I was scared that my family would think it was their fault. I could not talk to them. I didn't know how to start. I had been given everything (within reason) that I could ever want. I was told I was worth it, complimented, told I was smart.

I reached an apex. I was either going to end it that night or I could fight for my life.

Which brings you hear. That night I had decided to write a blog instead of ending it. It's been 4 years. I am still depressed, hopeless, anxious and often alone. I am married, loved, on some days happy and generally content.

I write every time I get depressed. It is a stress relief. Sometimes it is the only thing that soothes me. I would never criticize someone's depression unless they play it out for sympathy.

Funny thing when you reach that apex. You are never going back to it, one way or another. I put some value on my life. Not my own value. Rather I valued it in perspective of those who love me. I could not imagine how they would feel in my mind and that is what drove me to find a different way to relieve my depression. I could not cope with the thought of coping. That's why I did not do it.

It is January 27th, 2016. I am writing this for those who cannot put into words or are scared just like I was. Almost everyone in life suffers from some form of depression at some time or another.

It is January 27th 2016. I am writing this for me. for you. for the millions of faceless people who find an identity at least once a year.

Be you. Be the weird person you want to be. Be the person you thought you could be. Stay true to who you are. Talk to people, regardless if you are introvert. Be true to yourself.

#BellLetsTalk

Best Regards,

Devon.

afraid...

I'm afraid...

It is not the reasons that usually eat people up, anxiety, depression or some big event.

Often times I just do not want to wake up.

As dreary as that sounds, it is true. I don't know what kind of pain i'll be in or what will happen.

What I do know is that I will have to be up during the day. The ironic thing about depression and anxiety. You do not pick when it effects you the most. Mine hits me hardest during the day. I'm alone. I'm afraid. I cannot find an escape.

I am afraid....

One day I might be more confident and who you want me to be.

Instead I'll sit here and dream of better days that I have not had. I will lay here and debate all the conversations I've never had. I'll overthink the words I have never said. The actions I chose to ignore.

Mostly, I'll dwell on my shortcomings, my lack of future and who I am now. Not the person I was 8 years ago.

I am afraid....

I'm well. I'm a moderately healthy 24 year old with questionable motor functions and muscle tightness.

It is beginning to define me, everyday I wake up.

It defines me to all those around me. It crushes me that it defines me in any sense. It makes me irrationally angry that at my age I've only had one or two happy memories.

I'm afraid that I am on empty, looking to escape the monotony of 24 hours of confinement to my own mind.

I'm afraid of who I am, who I will become and what I will become.

I'm afraid I cannot make you happy.

I'm afraid I cannot make me happy.

I'm Afraid....

I'm Afraid....

Hello Darkness.

I'm in the dark.

I don't see much light. I can feel some. I can move. I can pretend to see.

Right now, everything is gloomy. I'm unaware of what is going to break first. My body and my mind.

Learning I could've been living with some sort of Palsy (Which could've been treatable) to prevent pain. I am mad.

I am unsure how I've went my whole life. 22 surgeries, countless doctors, surgeons and medical professionals. Testing everything from my reflexes, my voice, my ears and my speech. Through test after test. Not one was a scan of my brain and the way it works. I know the way it works in a dark world. I have cousins and friends who reach out. I cannot go, it really is not at fault of me not wanting to. I can't. I cannot deal with the pain and anxiety of my situation. My wife tries to get me out of the house. I fail her at every chance.

I am slightly concerned of my future. All being stalled by a surgery that is never going to happen. A metaphorical look into my own life and what to look forward to. Nothing to help, nothing to please, and nothing to make me feel any more human.

My brother chose to hold out talking to me for 3 months. That hurt more than probably anything in my life. He's been my motivating factor for life. For almost anything I do. I try to give him some hope that I might be better than what I am.

I am better than what I was dealt. I am a pussy for relying on the crutch of pain. I am a pussy for relying on my depression to excuse my introversion.

I'm not sure what I was meant for. I'm opinionated, smart, and reckless. I am aboriginal, political and cynical. I am a man with so many identities and so little to show for myself.

2015 was a rough year. It did not teach me nothing. except where I stand within my family.

Bonne soiree,

I'm fine.

Devon.