Tuesday, January 27, 2015

My longwithstanding issues with being a son

I am a son, a brother, a cousin, an uncle and a friend.

I am a son to my Mother. For all intensive purposes, my uncle raised me for what I am today.

At the turn of April 20th of 2013, I had a stepfather I was calling dad, and a grandfather who I was planning to be close to. Learn from and play crib with.

2 weeks later I lost the rock of our family. My grandfather passed.

5 months later I lost my stepfather because he pursued selfish endeavors

For the next year, I wore the face of a man who lost nothing, who was becoming his own man.

I was not that. I will probably never show my cards to you. I only write about my cards; metaphorically.

I was dealt a shit hand in terms of having a father early. I never knew my biological father. It didn't effect me to not know who he was.

Losing my stepfather in the manner I did crushed me. Crushed me then. Crushed me for a year and as of recently it is crushing me repeatedly like a garbage compactor. My brain is missing that piece. My stepfather did not do much. What he did do, is provide stability. He was not smart, he was not proactive. He did what he needed to do to make us stable.

It is something that I have not experienced since he up and vanished. Nothing ever really feels stable. Money may never be stable for me and my family.

I want it to be. I don't want to admit that him leaving has effected the person I am today.

 ...

It has, I am a ball of anxiety waiting for the teeter totter to push back to the other side. Somedays the other side is weightless and nothing happens. Other times I may never come down because the weight is on the other side. It is the fear of the latter that cripples me.

No stability.

I should not complain, we fought our way through him leaving, became a cohesive household. I just was not ready to be thrust into the man of the house role and go to school.

I do have longstanding father issues. Or rather just an issue with the thought that all the male role models in my life are lost, or forgotten.

...

There will never be a day where I forgive those trespasses of my father or Dave.

Simply, pulling the sheet out from under an entire household is one of the most painful things you can do.

I have unresolved issues, I don't want to talk to a therapist or even a person. Rather broadcast it on the internet.

Because you cannot see the pain. You cannot see the face of a man so worn by the lack of stability in his life.

"We call them cool, the heart that have no scars to show. The ones that never do let go and risk the tables being turned" Garth Brooks.

Best Regards,

Devon

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Homophobia? Why? What? Where? When? Who Cares?

Hello old friends. I'm back in the saddle again. Taking a break from the darkness and demons to address something that plagues much of society today. Homophobia.

No homo,
That's gay,
You're a fag.

The extreme disconnect on societies social commentary is summed up in those 3 words. Even if a person is not homophobic they have/have in the past addressed something as homosexual.

Along the same lines as "That's stupid". However, I don't understand the necessity.

In the media you will notice a distinct clash. Sitcoms, newspapers and newscast that will use homophobic language for eyegrabbing headlines, easy jokes or to get you upset about something to create more traffic. On the other side of it are modest human beings who write blogs, essays and sometimes a thesis paper about the blatant and unfriendly use of homophobic language in the media.

Of most note, and what I have noticed more than anything else. The scene on Community where Ken Jeong's Character "Senor Chang" shouts out: "Hah, Gay". This has taken on many forms, many memes and is used and abused over and over again. When an athlete comes out, Twitter lights aflame with homophobic and the image of Ken Jeong.

Sadly, Ken Jeong is known for being a naked Korean guy who beats Bradley Cooper with a tire iron... And that image of him yelling "Gay"

To truly understand the rampant homophobia in the world, you need to grow up. I don't mean in some metaphorical sense. But, through middle school, Homophobic slurs are used as nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs. My time in Jr. High was marred with a bunch of nerds who used these terms. Many of them become trolls. I was told at an early age. Act your age. If  I used something stupidly immature. All it took was someone to say "How Old Are You?" Honestly, This is the best way to approach those people who take sincere offense with a man and a man, woman and woman, trans and trans or any variation where two members of the same sex are coupled.

Saying, "how old are you" is probably one of the hardest hitting phrases you can say to someone acting stupid. That's not to say it will correct homophobia. I'm not saying it will eliminate the slurs. The terms have become so dated that it is actually jarring for me to hear them at this point in my life.

When I was about 15, I made a conscious thought of "Who cares".

The first time you hear of same sex coupling is kind of shocking. That's how we are programmed as children. From the time we are born we learn to distinguish ourselves through colours, toys and clothes. So, as we get older we accept that we like the opposite sex. It becomes more difficult for those who were raised with those gender roles to accept anything other than that.

It is a multi-leveled system failure. Education is one of my biggest gripes with it. There is no punishment for spewing hate. There is no punishment for death threats. We've become so numb to the catastrophe that our education system presents that we do not bat an eye. You are never taught in any classes that "Same Sex Marriage" is normal. In fact, through health, CALM and other biology courses you are taught there is one way. That's it.

It becomes more engrained and more reinforced through media. Books, Movies and TV Shows where a person comes out as a homosexual and is either avoided or is made fun of. They are made to feel as if they are different because of sexual orientation.

The wrap up my thoughts. Homophobia will most likely always exist at an educational level. Because stubborn, arrogant and naive parents will not let their kids learn that same sex marriage is okay. Because of this, the language will be used into adolescence and adulthood. Furthering the abilities of TV Shows and Movies to use homophobic language.

So, to those who may be a closeted homophobic who will read this post. I ask "How old are you"


Regards,

Devon