Monday, September 29, 2014

A year later...Father? why bother?

A year ago. You left. The only person I could call a father. The only person I really wanted to call a father. You weren't a rock, you weren't anything special, all you really did was service a role. That role that every kid would want. A father.

I'm used to the absence of a father. I am not used to the sheer disrespect to the family who surrounded you.

I can fault you for many things, you supporting us is not one of them.

We were different. You liked cars, fishing, discovery channel and being bald.

I liked having hair, didn't care about cars, fishing or boats. Mythbusters was the bomb.

You left a hole in a piece of my heart. You hurt one of the only feelings. It was hard for me to call you a father. for 16 years I was unsure. The 4 years prior to you leaving us high and dry, I assumed you had earned it.

You constructed this view among me and my siblings. You supported us, you attempted to debate to show other sides, you even gave me twitter material. You supported a woman who was dealt a shitty hand. You supported her as much as she supported you. You are not a saint. Rather, you were the other half of a supportive/combative relationship. I used to say "Wow, he does a lot, he supports us. On his own." You supported us financially. You weren't there emotionally. You sure in the hell couldn't be there mentally. You paid bills. You're support was a facade. Money goes so far. To be a father, to be a husband, hell to be a son; you need more than money. My mother supported us kids for those 20 years. Financially, emotionally, mentally and in any other sense of motherly duties. She never threw in the towel.

...

You did.

You waste of space, you Mr. Clean looking piece of garbage. You left in the worst way at the worst time. You scapegoated two people and 2 dogs who I would value more than you on any given day. It was never their fault. Habituation of the smell of dog shit takes 2 days. You needed a reason. You built a hatred for 2 people for 3 years. Systematically and with rhythm.

You scapegoated them to throw in the towel. You said "why can't they pay all of it?" Those are the last words you said to me. Why can't someone else bail your dumbass out.

You left a woman unable to work, to live a day without pain, and who just lost her father. You left a son who endured a surgery, 40 pounds of weight loss and is approaching his most serious surgery he has had since he was a newborn. You left in 10 seconds. You left years of uphill battles for people who did not deserve it. You thrust a student in the role of supporting the family you could not admit you couldn't. You crushed the spirits of the person I love with my heart. You crushed my spirits. For a year I have said it didn't effect me. You leaving effected me quite a bit. The way you left everything with such disregard and disrespect was appalling. The threat of domestic violence if you stuck around any longer was stinging. Your reasoning for leaving was to raise two children you never knew. who were over the age of 25. Who were worth more than the 20 years you spent in my life.

I don't know what it was supposed to do for me. I'm less focused on school. I'm more family orientated. I'm more helpful to those around me. You leaving taught me humility in a way. You taught me to be even more cynical and more sarcastic.

You are the worst.

A year later, thousands of tears later. I'm unforgiving.

I am more of a father to me, than you ever could be, I'm supporting my family. I'm being the man. The roles you gave me involuntarily. If I died would you even care. If you died, would I even care?

You abandoned all you had. You became the definition of sad.

We are fine without you, one year later. The sting is still there. But, we will live without you.

So, fuck you, Ravid Dobb. Fuck you.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

smile?

How long can you smile?
Why do you smile?
What does a smile signify?

A smile signifies happiness, humour, love, seduction, excitement and pleasantry.

Why do people smile?

To show that they have a nice smile, heard a funny joke, to generally make people happier.


I don't smile. I have a few reasons. Lack of teeth, lack of effort, no reason to and most importantly. Why lie to the people around me about my "Happiness"?

My cynicism and my pessimism rings throughout my body like a bill collector calling your house.

I cannot tell you the last time I have felt happy enough at the core to smile. My life is what it is. I've tried. I've won. I've lost. I have tried less than what I should've. I am not a person who feels successful. I don't feel I have achieved.

I get by, I fight for every inch. I never truly appreciate reasons to smile.
I never enjoy myself.
I am the loudest, I am the most annoying and most days I am frustrating. I try to make others smile. I try too hard. Make people uncomfortable.

I am feeling defeating and that is part of the process.

I wish I had something to smile about.

Rather, a frown will suffice.