Depression

I come here on this blog to air my feelings. It has now been years since this blog started. I never expected I would help people, receive compliments or have someone read it. It means more than you would know. I am currently happy, on a day like today. It is hard not to be.  One day a year, people with depression are accepted, loved and told that everything will be okay. It happens during the year, but not as often as it does on a day like today.

I live day-to-day. I've learned to do that from my grandfather. He lived everyday like it might be his last.


I use a few mechanisms to help my depression.

1) Talk to the people I love
2) I will talk to someone, without knowing their name. Tell them I feel anxious.
3) I always try to look forward to something. Sometimes it is as easy as a hockey game, concert, or going to see family
4) I read other people's musings on depression.
5) I try to write a blogpost a week to get out feelings

Because the weird thing about Depression is: It is dynamic. It is never standing still. Everyone feels depression differently. Everyone has different levels of depression. Not everyone is fully aware they might have different feelings from the depressed person next to them. Which is the case, I am a cyclical depressive. I go through a monthly cycle. Like a male menstrual cycle. I've been on a low point this week.

I'm not totally aware how to control that one week where I go off the tracks. To be honest, I don't want to control it.

For those 3 weeks where I am not depressed, I am happy. I can stop and think, "Hey, I don't feel that depressed right now" and enjoy life a little bit more.

It is okay to feel depressed. It is okay to feel anxious. It is all about managing.

You cannot get frustrated that you can't be free of anxiety or mental illness. Some people will never get away from it. That's the sad truth.

There is stigma that people with mental illness are weak because they cannot overcome it.

I would argue they are stronger.

They manage, talk, and function everyday with depression. Pretending to be happy or not.

My brethren with mental illness are the strongest people I know.

Regards,

Devon

Sour-taste

Every morning I wake up, hahah just kidding. I've been up since 1 am.

That's its own thing. No matter how hard to try to make a day go your way, it won't.

That's kind of what life is. You wait your whole life for the (max) like 15 great days.

For most people, as I have come to learn is Marriage, divorce, sex after divorce, some other person you hate experiences some pain. And then death

Which is great, because lets face it. Sex is great, self-deprecation and then self-improvement is what is the goal in today's society.

Self-deprecation sells on all levels of social media, this blog in a way is decompression and self-deprecation for me.

Any tweet, any facebook status or tumblr update that has any physical, mental, or emotional pain linked with a shitty joke will be your top anything. Everyday is a struggle for those who suffer mental illness and physical illness. But, we constantly sell ourselves short online. I flirt with people on a surface of shit that doesn't even make sense. Like that last sentence.

I don't know why I self-deprecate and expect someone to tell me I am handsome, or they would fuck the depression out of me.

I'm an idiot, but, really. Any distraction is great. When you are in school, every distraction is great. Bad ones are great for excuses, good ones are the reason why people don't do homework.

I write everything with a working title. I got mocked by my fiancee the other week for having a stupid title.

So, that is ego boosting.

I hate me, therefore why should anyone like me?





That is what social media is, make yourself seem as sad as possible SO YOU GET ALL THE FRIENDS AND FOLLOWERS

At the end of the day, we are all ignored just the same.

Regards,

Devon

Fearing Death

My whole life, I've always had a fear of death. A day, where you cease to exist. People cannot say "hi" anymore. The once mundane activities do not matter to anyone. The days of depression, the days of happiness, and the days of grieving do not exist anymore. You no long wear these days on you like a heavy fur coat. Everything simply: is.

There is a certain level of empathy that comes with fears in general. I have a moderate fear of heights, I fear flying because I don't know if the mechanic who worked on the plane was a coffee short. I fear spiders that can kill me. I'm pretty sure I'd fear a snake if I saw one.

Fears are simple at face value, they are truly complex when you get down to it. They are mostly irrational, they are pointless, and often easy to overcome. Fears influence everyday life.

When my grandpa died it put a new perspective on life and death for me. 

Life is lived, it should be lived fruitfully and most rewarding. It should contain love, fun and excitement (and probably sex). Not everyone gets the same deal. Some people go through pain no one should have to. Those people experience humility, they know when life is good and when life is shit. 

Death is a celebration of life. Death is succinct. Death is final. Death is beautiful. It is the end, of a journey. Every fight, every grudge, every word is done. You no longer have to fight. No longer have to argue. 

It is things like that, that keep me living. Why end it early? I still have a lot to experience.

Fearing death does not keep you alive. It keeps you unaware. The true beauty of life is that there is a beginning, shitty middle, and end.

It is up to you what you do with it.

Regards,

Devon.

Isolation

I want to be alone

I don't want to be alone

I am alone

I am not alone


Sentences that are said to ourselves at least once a year. No matter the circumstances, no matter who is around or how much love you feel. The thing about depression is along with it comes the insane and dire need to be isolated from people. This is how people think they cope with it. Although, true for many. This is a slow process for recovering for depression

Isolation is also a math term, isolate the variable.

It can be applied to real life, if you have something that you want. Depression should be the thing isolated. Not you, you are not the variable. But, rather the equation master.

I was never good at math, so that probably makes no sense. Shoutout to my high school math teachers, I don't know anything.

Solitaire is a lonely game. Solitary confinement is lonelier. However; a lot of times, seems very necessary. A person is never truly in control of their brain. They will always have immoral thoughts and wrong feelings. That is the nature of how the brain works. The brain is able to compete the rational and irrational thoughts. That is where a lot of the crises involved with mental illness is found. If you cannot filter even the slightest amount of depressing thought it will linger and torment. Until you have no urge to get up or go outside. You can scream at your body to get up and do something, but in that moment where you are isolated. Nothing or no one can move you.

I find a middle ground. I am not one for isolation, I write this blog. I try to write it actively so I can remain relevant and a pretentious knob. No, just kidding. I write these blogs as a way to isolate myself from my thoughts and get whatever I can onto paper or into this textbox. It soothes me, for the moment if gives me temporary release.

I have isolated myself from others

"Fine"
"I'm fine"
"I'm good"

All lies I tell everyone when I try to isolate myself. My brain says don't tell them anything. But, it does not have to. When you isolate yourself, your body language does all the talking.

I've hurt people mentally and emotionally. I've fucked with peoples feelings. I've made people hate me so much they don't want to talk to me. Just to isolate myself from things. These are the things that did not help me in my younger years. I took it out on other people because I could not cope.

I wish I could apologize to those people for the things I have said. I wish I could be there to help them when they got into my situation in life.

I wish I was a better friend to most people.

I don't want to be alone.

I want to be alone

I am alone

I don't want to be alone.

Regards,
Devon