Erosion and Drift

Everyday is a struggle, everyday is a day in which I wonder what can change, or what will change.

I am learning to become less controlling of my surroundings. When you do that, you truly lose sight to how beautiful peace of mind is. As well, you lose the ability to have a firm grasp on your mental state. You are unable to differentiate hurt from good, or pain from want. There is a certain balance, which you have heard before. But, the fact remains all of us have no idea what we are meant to do. Perhaps that is where the keys to life lie.

If we are unable to control ourselves maybe we drift into a conscious being. We are all creatures of habit. People talk about change, people want change? or do they, I'm not sure. I've always been a believer in: Change is Good, whatever the cost.

However, I do not think change is always positive. Change can make you feel alive and proper. But, are you solving the issues? You live day to day, not year to year. I for one have never learned how to live day for day. And that reason is why I live such a anxiety-ridden existence.

I affect those around me. Those I love, those I talk to, and even those I don't talk to. I cut people out, they drift out of my life so I just cut it immediately. That is something I'm working on. 2 friendships I fight for daily, for people that ordinarily would have been gone.

Everyone is a critic, everyone has their gripes with others. People deal with anxiety and depression. As much as the phrase "You are not alone" meant to Michael Jackson, it does not have the same effect on those who suffer depression. In all honesty, I am alone. Because like me; my depression is dynamic. It changes, it is different. In literal terms: No, I'm not alone. I never said I was.






The realest thing that can be said,
is what you don't want to hear.





So no, my friends who read and struggle with this. You are alone, you are able to talk. Even airing your grievances is better than bottling them up. Talk to people, they might not know shit about you. They may not even care. But, in that moment when someone has their undivided attention on you. That is when you feel like there is something right in the world.

Feel free to talk to me anytime.

Thanks.
Best Regards,

Devon.

Ruin me (I'm not well)

I'm not well

I am worthless,
I am not human
I am a shell

I'm not well.

I never cared
I never shared
I never loved

I'm not well

I got too far
I got too scarred
I got too marred

I'm not well.

I was tortured
I earned a fool's fortune
I have nothing

I'm not well.

I am not ironic
I am not educated
I am not intelligent

I'm not well

I suffer
I bluff when asked
I am a prick

I'm not well.

I do not know how to do it again
I do not know if I could
I fought too much.

I'm not well

I lived
I forgive
I never learned

I'm not well.

I'm toxic
I'm angry
I'm frustrated

I'm not well.

I am full of regret, it takes up shame and dignities spot.

Ruin me. Use me, leave the bones. forget me like you've never met me.
Ruin, me.

Zombies, anxiety, and phone screens

You might ask yourself, Zombies and anxiety?

Well, first I could say pretty frightening, right? They can eat your face.
Or I can be like, "hey Woody Harrelson is intimidating when he isn't a raging alcoholic"

But, I am going to talk about 2 separate dealies. First off, staring at screens all day, whilst walking, jogging, biking, and sadly driving is slowly making the world more antisocial. In some extremely ironic way. Even I, I know (shocking) would deem myself kind of alone in the friend department.

Phone screens, tablet gives you unlimited resource to information, no matter how falsified it is. But, who really cares when you can look at cats in jerseys, cats in glasses, or 10,000,000 meme pictures of grumpy cat.

People walk with their phones out in front of them, most of them do not look up until that tweet or text is sent. I've walked and done this, you can look up occasionally and not leave it up to the person ahead of you not to destroy that phone. Alas, this is society in 2013. Zombified because of screens

____________________________________________
Now the otherside of the coin. It is great to be numb for most things, teeth filling, minor surgeries, and stitching. Most importantly, feeling numb in life is a strange feelings. I don't know if you have ever felt this. You stare blankly at something for 10 minutes. All the whilst not thinking, not worrying, and not panicking. It is something to behold. It is one of the happiest 10 minutes of my life. For that moment I don't have to think about fiscal responsibilities, who doesn't like me, did I say the wrong thing. This feeling can be absolutely great.

I had wrote most of this blogpost in September. It is more true now that it ever was. Because, I am one of these zombies. I am liking pictures on instagram that I don't even really look at the picture. I am favoriting tweets that are utter trash in the hopes someone else will validate me.

I am no better than anyone else. I am a zombie, I am a natural slave to my screen. This makes me fear for the next generations.

Validation makes me feel worth something, that worth makes my anxiety a little more bearable and that makes life a little more bearable.

This is the sad truth in 2013. The vices are just as harmful to the body, mind and spirit as they have been before.

Sell your soul for validation. There will be a time you are alone, and that anxiety is soul crushing. I know that feeling.

Now I have to go post this blog to

Twitter

Instagram

Tumblr

Facebook.

Thanks,
Devon

content

I've been looking for words to write blog posts on, nothing catches my eye. Nothing keeps me focused.

I'm less aware of my surroundings and for whatever reason, and for once it is nice. I finished up my exams. Had small talk with someone I am really not gonna give a shit about and left. Not angry, not disgusted I didn't do well on that exam. But, for the first time in my schooling life, and for the first time in my 22 years of living.

I felt content.

I do not think I did particularly well on those exams, and that is just fine. I studied and did what I could. I leave it up to biased professors and a broken grading system.

At that, I am content now. I'm not sure who I really am right now, I'm apathetic. I'm enjoying being this disconnected. I am talking and helping others, I am learning through others. I am liking me a little more.

This will change in the coming days. As my optimism can only last so long before I go back to the world is shit wall to wall technique,

This was a short check in blogpost, I'll be writing more in the coming days.

You

How have you changed my life?

You make the days bearable
You make delusion understandable
You make me a different person
You make me want to do better as a person
You motivate.
You renovate my life, my soul and being
You cared when no one else could.
You are beautiful at every level
You are beautiful at any age
You are beautiful in every way.
You melt me
You are a hopeless romantic, just like me
You teach me more about me than I have in years.
You are there when I need you.
You sacrifice everything you can
You want a man.
You made me a man.
You are passionate
You are oblivious to what is in front of you
You are the one
You are the perfect match
You are the puzzle piece in a bin of a thousand.
You are you.
That is what matters,
Simply, you are the right in this wrong world.
Everyday I thank you for what you do,
I do not think that you think I am serious.
You are perfect, in your imperfections.

Thank you,

Faith

What is faith, when you picture it? It is a man who comes home to his wife, without infidelity and they sit and talk about their day?

Is it a bearded man in the sky? on a cloud?

People say, "Why would you put faith in something you've never seen?" or "Why believe god is there when he isn't." "Faith is pointless the world is shit" ETC ETC.

The thing about faith, and why it is so perfect.:

It needs no base, it needs no person, it needs no reason. Faith in its own simplicity is baseless and groundless. Faith is why we get up, somewhere in our depths of our soul we have faith in something. Most of us it is family or a spouse.

As of April, I am no longer declaring myself an atheist or a person who doesn't care. I lost track, I grew up with the internet. For whatever reason the internet really hates the idea of faith in religion.

But, that's the thing. If you do not have faith, you do not believe in yourself. I've never seen God, the world is shit wall-to-wall.

Baseless faith is not looking for answers, you can't. You look for answers and you will only confuse yourself further. Somethings are ironic, stupid, unbelievable, inconceivable; but, really if shit like that did not happen why have faith.

Most people who incorporate faith and religion are said to be clueless. Clueless from what? Using faith as a way to deal with life?

Faith is sheer brilliance as a concept. It is a coping strategy that is unlike any other. Reorganizing your life according to faith is a little far fetched and where the lines blur.

A person who believes and has faith is not an idiot. They aren't ignorant. Most of them don't ignore the idea that there might be no one up there.





For some people, Faith is all they have.
The only thing that gets them through the day.
Faith is big, faith is small.
Faith is dumbfounded at most times




This blogpost was not to write about bashing atheism, or bashing religion.
This blog post is to explain the important role faith plays.
I have faith in those around me, those who have passed.
Those who get out of bed in the morning to feed their kids and family
Those people are what I have faith in. They don't give up, they may want to. But, they are just as lost as the rest of us.

Before you go be an asshat about atheism or religion. Just remember faith is a separate entity. Faith is unique.
Their day may be shit, but they have faith in something.

Regards,
Devon