Saturday, November 30, 2013

Relax to the future

Dude, the rug really tied the room together.

Relax...
Relax...
relax....
re...
Panic sets in

*wakes up groggy* tries to go to the bathroom. Can't. Stumbles back to room. Crashing against each walls like a tidal wave along a bank.

I hit my head against the door frame, take 2 steps. See an entertainment center. Collapse. I don't know if I hit my head again. I don't know if I am alive at this point. Fiancee and mother try to dress me as quick as possible, asking me basic questions.

Drifting in and out of consciousness like a drunk at last call, unable to form the thoughts necessary. I am at a brick wall. Can't answer, all I see is light. Family I haven't seen for 8 months flash before my eyes. For about a century in my mind I saw my grandfather. It was beautiful.

I recall coming back to, seeing the light in my mind while drifting out of coherency is something I did not feel comfortable with.

"I'm scared, I don't want to die!" I almost chant, twice. Or at least in my head twice. I hear ambulance being said. I snapped back, into conscious mind. Felt like I had an overdose and was given an inhibitor.

I get up, go to the kitchen drink some powerade. Never knowing what happened.

Get in the car, go to the hospital. Shrug it off, make my fiancee laugh. Talk to my uncle.

Unable to explain what happened, the nurses and doctors really did not do all they could. I was let out 6 hours later with tracing in my vision. A sore neck and shock of what has happened.

This is day 2. All I realize is I must learn to relax. I don't know how. I've never known how. I've been a nervous wreck since post secondary school. 3 years of constant stress and anxiety, waking up afraid and embarrassed that I don't want to go to school because of the severe anxiety that's produced from being in school.

I'm still scared, I'm shaken. I go to the emergency room to get diagnosed, not turned away like a salad next to a burger.

I sustained what I figure is a concussion, because I had to diagnose myself.

I'm realizing how little school will mean if I do not live to see the end of the fruits of my labour.

I am scared of everything now. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be scared. I want to relax. I'll never relax, I'm always going to be on edge. As long as I am in school.

Here is to what post secondary can do to the human body and mind. What love can do to the human body and mind. To valuing life a little more than I did before it happened.

What I saw that morning was peaceful, but I'm not done living.

Best Regards,
Devon

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Man of the house of cards.

Recently, I've been in a dark place. Many of you know, many of you don't.

I'm the "man of the house"... Whatever that means, what it means to me is. People abandon people, and someone has to be there to be the strong one for them. I am that person. I'm trying, I lose my grip occasionally, but for now. I am a grown up.

I'm a student, I feel like I should be working. Being a student thinly veils the reality of what is coming to me. That is being responsible, being a rock for the people around me.

My grandpa passed away in April and I guess that is when my life changed, I had not realized it until about a week ago. My grandpa was a man, he was a man of character and grit.

He worked everyday of his life. When his death hit, I never grieved. I never found out how. I lost another person out of my life, my stepfather. I was left stunned and unaware of the world. Unaware of what it meant for me. I've been depressed since April, I can count 0 days where I was not depressed.

People joke I'm the man of the house, there is the stark reality that I am in fact, the man of the house. I don't know how to handle the responsibility, I have to pick up my socks somewhere here and march through it.

About a week ago, I sincerely debated how much this pressure would truly hit me with. If it was worth living through it. I got hit in the face with the realization that, I would just be another person. Abandoning my family, being taken from the world.

You control your own fate most of the time, and for the past 6 months I wanted to do anything but decide my own fate. I'm still depressed. I still don't know who to love, when, why and how. I don't know where I will be. I don't know who will be there or who I want to be there.

The man of the house of cards.

Regards,
Devon

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

/found

You had me lost
you had me tired
you had me unaware
you had me caught up in stuff
You helped me escape
you were something i found solace in
you are something i can't figure out
your walls and shield battled us all the way
you are human
We may never speak again
but that escape for months is irreplaceable
because of a 6 second video
I got to learn more than I should have
could have
and would have
that pain is not possible to put into words.
I'm sorry
I wanted the best
I was lost
I'm found now
Through pain, and misery
I know where I am and who I am.

I miss you, my friend
This is for you, I hope you read it.

True Love Will Find You in the End

Monday, November 25, 2013

uncomfortable

my chest hurts,
my brain hurts,
I'm sweating
my heart beats
it beats hard
it beats clearly
my brain is fried
it is in disarray
I can't grasp anything
I'm falling over myself in my head
how to fall back down to earth
I was stuck above it, I dream of it
I don't want to be on the ground
I want to be where I am happy
I'm sappy
unaware of how to deal
how to feel
reaching a new boundary in my comfort
I'm out there and cannot come back.
I'm floating,
In nothing
nowhere
No sights
no sounds
no smells
nothing to touch
with a sour taste.
Nothing but my thoughts, racing
and masking who I am

Monday, November 18, 2013

Entertainer

What's it like trying to entertain the smallest of masses? It is fun.... I would not be doing it if I did not love it. It is great to know I can make the odd person laugh. I try not to go too far. I live day to day. I try to entertain every minute of the day. It is great, I love the value of what I do....

What value?

There is no real value to being an entertainer.. Yeah I made you laugh a few times, I can try to make you smile, I can make you read these words. I can make you love these words. But, in all honesty. Being an entertainer is pretty depressing when the lights go out.

I'm all alone at night, no one to make laugh. No one to make smile. It is just me, I myself never get to smile. I cannot pretend to smile. I watch stand up for someone else to make me laugh. I can only imagine those comics go through the same.

You do not make friends as an entertainer. You make acquaintances, and anyone who might get into the inner circle is just as easy to move out. Truly, entertaining is sad.

I'm sure if I got paid to write these, or got the Cajones to go and perform a set, it might be different. But, as it is. I write mediocre tweets and make relatively funny shorts on instagram. People follow me from everywhere, there is always someone up when I am. That is kind of comforting. But, I will never meet these people. For their sake, I do not think it would be wise.

I've always been kind of a loner, and some days. Social networking brings it out even more.

So, do you think, that tweet of mine you might have read is funny? There is people funnier? That instagram video? Someone makes funnier.

Being an entertainer of even the smallest of masses is hard.

You are all alone at the end of the night. And that is when you truly see how lonely being an entertainer is.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Know Your Role

Everyone has a role. Everyone in some way contributes to society, and societal norms. Yes, even homeless people. As many people think they contribute nothing, and just sponge off of others. They play a rather crucial part for a green movement.

But, besides the point. You have a role somewhere on social media. You have a role in your family, you have a role outside your house. Your role is often dictated by someone else.

I am a student, I work, I try to be a little more in-depth with knowing those around me. In recent conversations I found out I'm viewed as an ass, as a villain. I rub people the wrong way.

There is a reason why the role is: a) given to me and b) why I thoroughly embrace this role. I am an open book in all aspects of my life. But, there is a wall to be broken with me, and probably with yourself. That wall is being able to be comfortable enough to tell me a bit about your mind, your body and soul. If I was likable for everyone, would anyone really know me? What plagues me?

I am a character oriented guy. I am an asshole, I play my own role because I would like to have close friends, rather than trusting blindly. People who battle to get to know me, or make some time are pretty interesting. I'm an average 22 year old kid with dreams that are yet to be crushed. I am an average 22 year old that does not drink or is very social outside of twitter.

In my in person life, I have earbuds in and wear a permanent angry face. Because, small talk frustrates me. How much information can you really gather? And what purpose would that serve? I'm an asshole in my life as well. I will call out family, friends, pretty much anyone for being a bully or abusing someone.



My image in person is not dictated by how I describe myself,
but rather my actions.
That is what society has lost.



You can be told all about how awesome I think I am, or if I am worth your time to talk to. But, unless you see action or have a discussion about my history, how would you know who you are talking to?

I have no desire to protect a public image. I write this to be vulnerable, to allow you to see why I write, whom I write for and how it helps me. This is as real as I get.

So, here I am, your not-so-friendly neighborhood villain.  You have your own role. I hope you play your role for you and not for other people.

Best Regards,

Devon

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Nutella

First off, nutella is for "white people" It is a higher priced chocolate spread. When I say higher priced, it is affordable, but you can eat a fucking jar in one sitting.

Nutella is like finding all 150 of the first pokemon
Nutella is like owning a monkey, but never having to look after it.
Nutella is literally sex in your mouth.
Nutella is like having the Cubs win a World Series.
Nutella is like a humble leafs fan.
Nutella is like Nicolas Cage maybe acting decently in a movie.
Nutella is like the next Star Wars movie being good.

Nutella represents what we don't have in life. That sweet sultry mix of tasteful delight. Nutella is like the first time you gave cunnilingus. You didn't care, it was the moment. It was feeling it all at once.

Nutella is Chocolate, but then that little dude from the Flintstones was like, fuck it. Let's show the world what life could really be like. Then sprinkles some every loving kindness into that sweet moist chocolatey goodness.

Nutella is the reason why I am probably fat. Probably, not the 3 cheeseburgers I ate.

Nutella is like a normal chocolate spread, but then Joseph Gordon Levitt stuck his dick in it.

Nutella is like never having to hear Rihanna's "Shine Bright Like a Diamond" again

Nutella is like the great Greek god Zeus struck a bolt through the swiss alps and created nectar so good, it gives life threatening diabetes.

Nutella, simply is. The best spread since Kate Upton in maxim
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Fuck it....
I'm naming my first kid Nutella.

Consumed by you

Consume - To indulge in food, drink, laughter and various other sundries.

Me? I indulge in the fruits of individuals. I indulge of the people of society. In all aspects in life.

Me? I'm consumed by your beauty, your promise and your elegance.

Me? I'm consumed by your imperfections, your flaws, your frustrations and your lazy days.

Me? I'm drunk off of you. Drink off of what might be, what you might be. Drunk on one.

Me? Consumed by your thoughts and fantasies, your love. Your arched back, your sweat on your brow. Your ears and eyes. I am consumed by the fantasy of seeing you in your most imperfect form.

Me? Consumed by your cute adorable face and adorable lips.

Me? Most of all, consumed by the temptation, consumed by the desire to escape reality in some form. I am sincerely consumed by the thought of being able to live free from reality for at least a few hours.

Simply, I'm consumed by your smile and your laughter.


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Naive

First of all, fuck the spelling of Naive.

But, now to what I have to put out there.

I'm unsure what I am supposed to do in life. It seems everything you do will lose you a friend, lose a part of your conscience. Lose a part of you.

Naive is versatile. It can mean many things. It is usually used as an insult.

Sometimes it is good to be naive. Good to be ignorant to stupidity.

It is defined as having a lack of judgement, experience or wisdom. That's an unfair definition. You can be aware, you can have experience and not say anything. I'm naive to my own experiences. I'm naive to criticism. I do care most of what is said about me. I wish I did not. That might make me a sociopath otherwise. But sometimes that might be more comfortable in my skin.

There is something beautiful about naivety, though. Naivety is simple, absent from thought or judgment. Which is something this world lacks. Everyone can judge, the less intelligent ones judge more. No one is fit to judge. Including judges.

I'm naive to my depression most days. I try to live bright and alive. I would live to be unsuspecting of the harsh realities of the world. I would love to be naive. To be not subjected to the idiocy and hypocrisy. I wish I could forget most of what happens. Simply enjoying the beauty in nature is naive in both the negative and positive complex. You can enjoy the simplicity of it and be naive to the destruction. You can be naive to a developed city with jobs and dynamic personality.

In my times as an asshole, I have put many people through my own psychological experiments. Some more severe than others, I robbed something from them. Their naivety to the world. I wish I could give that back.

People who follow guidelines and routines are naive.

Nearly every definition on Freedictionary.com has a negative connotation to the word.

Naivety is not negative in some of its most beautiful forms.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Depression

I may never see the end of it,

I sincerely hope I do. I hope when people do get depressed they know there is an end besides killing yourself.

I don't see it, but some part of me has to believe it.

I'll never get why I am depressed, for whom I am depressed or why.

I can get every ounce of being off of my chest of shit that bothers me. Still be depressed as hell.

I wish I knew why

I can't

I won't

I'm worry.


Thursday, November 7, 2013

Dynamic

You are sitting there. On your phone, on your tablet, on your computer. You are looking at a screen, ever changing from page to page/app to app. Moving your finger is animation, allowing the body to move. The brain process behind hitting the home button is dynamic. The brain is dynamic. That is part of the issue with much of mental illness.

The brain is constantly thinking. All the while, everyone is looking for something to pacify. If you don't, you get ran over by the anxiety train. You might act on depression, you look for something to numb. Something stupid, funny, musical, or ironically something depressing. Something ever changing so your brain has to focus.

That is not always an option. I numb myself into video games. I write this blog as a way to numb myself and my thoughts. 

You are dynamic in an environment that is dynamic. 

This is necessary for everyday life - apart from the obvious reason of, if you aren't dynamic you are dead. But, if you live an existence where the exact same things happen everyday. It would become depressing and eventually drive you insane. 

I say "What else can go wrong?"

But, that is the beauty of life. If nothing went wrong, you gain no knowledge or experience from it all. You build no character from it. 

I need anxiousness in a strange way because it allows me to rationally think of why I am anxious. How I can prevent the anxiety and learn to cope. If it happens regularly and with the same gusto I would lose a sense of self. I could stop it, I would have no motivation. 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Greed.

What makes a human being greedy?

The desire or accumulation of surplus, more than what he or she means.

In today's society, greed is huge. Greed plays a rather large part in social media as well. Every person wants to be the first to break that story, break many stories. Everyone wants 100 likes on their instagram photo of a cat. Every person wants tweet that gets retweeted by a celebrity. You know what, I'm no different.

I want it all.

Greed will sacrifice those around you, because you chase your desires. You ruin your character, your values and your morals just for that surplus. In the early 90's it seemed that greed was more money orientated. I'm gonna suggest that validation is more important in today's society.

I write this blog for me,
but if I have no one who reads it,
is there any reward?
Is there a reason to keep writing.

No, You see, I'm no different from that person who craves attention, who craves money. Today, we crave what we do not have. We are all sophists. We all look out for ourselves.

Even those who donate to charity, they do not come into work the next day and not tell you. Or show you the shirt they got for running for the "cure". Greed needs a very important part with it. Recognition and pride.

But, how much pride can really come with the greed of an individual? Sure, you donated, sure you are wearing the shirt and telling everyone. But, did you do it for the right reasons if you need to be recognized?

Modesty and humbleness do not exist in many of persons vocabulary.

I'm on social media to one day make a career out of writing or comedy.

I will probably never achieve it. But my greed for the likes, the favorites, and the Retweets keeps me going.

At times, if I am not Retweeted or mentions in awhile I get a little down. That is something installed with the twitter app.

To generalize as I have done so far. Everyone is greedy in their own way. Everyone wants what they cannot have.

Greed rules the lives of the many, the desire for something that is not really that important in the grand scheme of things.
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Feel the need, the need for greed.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Numb...

I don't want to be here.

Scared of everything. Scared of pain
Always in pain. Scared to make a mistake

I don't want to be here.

Numb: Being unaware, dangerous, not caring, sociopathic
Emotionless, spineless.

I don't want to be here.

I want to become a ghost, a shell. I want to hate, I want to dislike everything, everyone. Without care.
Don't care about myself and others.

I don't want to be here.

I long to be numb
I long to be ignorant and stupid.

I don't want to be here.

Doing this and that. Convention, i don't want to be criticized and ostracized everyday.
I don't want to be judged,
I do not want to feel pressure.

I don't want to be here.

A happy life is dictated to you by media,
I will never be the best
Most days I won't even be my best.

I don't want to be here.

I just want to not care most days.
I do not see a future when I look at my life.
I never have.
I want to be numb. In my mind, numbness is beautiful.
Numb feels like sanity.

I don't want to be here.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Light.

There is two ways a person can speak of light. Light is the absence of weight.

Light is the absence of darkness.

Light can be a voice of reason, light can be the person who rights the ship. The person who can talk to you better than anyone else. They are the light.

Light shows the paths of the right, light can also show you how wrong you can be doing things. Light can illuminate the road ahead. It can illuminate the fork in the road that you did not see.

The way light hits your face just right, to illuminate the pure beauty. The raw perfection of your face. Shows the beautiful colours in your eyes.

Light gives the sparkle in the eyes of the people around you. Light gives life to nature, and environment. Again, metaphorically and physically. Without light, beautiful flowers, a perfect bumble bee or a stunning garden would not exist.

Light illuminates your love, your being, and your breath.

Light comes from burning, fire and destruction. Light from burning bridges is absolutely perfect in this world. One bridge burned gives light to your future relationships. An auburn fire burning is like a horizon off in the distance that you can only see at a certain time at night.

Light is the absence of darkness. Making it out alive from the dark holes we bury ourselves in. The dark holes we are found in. Finding balance and spiritual awareness through the light.

Everyone chases light.
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Light is the last thing you see,
Light is the last thing you chase.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Passion

What is passion?

Passion has a definition, but it really should not. Passion is not something definable, it is not refine-able. Passion is almost innate. Everyone is born with a passion - in my opinion.

Passion is the ability to chase a dream, chase a goal, chase a job with nothing to lose. Whether right or wrong for the soul, your chase is passion. There is no life without passion.

Thinking of my passion for the little things, passion to know you are alright. Passion to know you feel great. Passion can be selfless, passion is more selfish. Passion is its own being. Possessed by beauty, possessed by dreams.

What is passion?

Passion is trying to crawl out of darkness, passion is finding some comfort in a nice snowy Sunday. Passion for the beauty of nature. Passion is an avenue. It is how you act, how you depend on something.

What is passionate?

Passionate is loving, caring, and enjoying what you do, and what you have. I am passionate I get to talk to you, I am passionate that I can bring you from the depths.

I worry about your passion, I worry your passion may overtake you.

Passionate is looking into the mirror and seeing a gleam in your eye. The gleam that makes you get dressed and delve into the world to find out what it has to offer. Passion is big. Passion is small. Passion is the most dynamic aspect of your personality.

What is passion?

Under definition "Passion is a controllable strong emotion"

In life, somethings are out of your control, you do not drive your passion. Passion drives you, drives your soul.

Try to take risks, try to improve. Your beauty and passion is what drives me.

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Pure emotion, pure rush, and the purest passion.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Beautiful.

When are you beautiful?

When you are stripped bare, when you have nothing on. When I can see every inch of your body.

When are you beautiful?

I do not mean physically. I mean mentally. There is no shield, there is no wall. I can see every inch of your cortex. I can see how confident you are, I can see your conscience. I can see when you are not self-conscious. When you are full of self-esteem. In that moment you are breathtaking. You are the only thing in the world.

When are you beautiful?

When you are happy, not just a physical smile. But, when your body is happy. When you walk with happiness. When you breathe with happiness.

When are you beautiful?

When we can talk, share, and exchange our beautiful words. Intertwining in the air, meeting and becoming so much more. When I learn about your life, when I learn stuff about your life that even you do not know.

When are you beautiful?

When you are exhausted, broken down, and drained. When you are not always on. When in that moment of weakness, you have nothing to lose. In that moment I get to see a true side of you.

When are you beautiful?

When I do not lust after you. When I envision you in my mind, you perfectly fit. When even my mind cannot comprehend how perfect you are in my fantasy.

When are you beautiful?

When you embrace your imperfections at every tone. In every way. When you realize it is those moments of weakness and those imperfections are what makes you beautiful. When our words mash together and make its own painting. When you are happy, inside and out. When you have nothing on your mind but just how great you feel.

Those are the moments in which I get lost in, in my mind.
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You define beautiful.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Reason, Rationale and Relax

I failed a midterm in the past week. It stings, I've never failed a post-secondary exam. It hurts deep. It hurts my brain, it hurts my heart. It does not hurt one thing: my pride. I failed it because I went in and wrote a shit exam. A shit exam in convention that is so ridiculous and stringent it causes every person who is writing the most severe anxiety they've experienced. It has been a learning experience. It frustrated me, it made me angry, it made me reflect at how much school really means. What I am there for. I am there to get an "education", their definition of education is how well you can re-read the same sentence and produce it on an exam. I've learned in my life so much more than that.

Since I have begun school it has taught me more about myself, and society. That being, I do not like myself and I do not like the societal norms of university.With reason, I concluded I failed an exam, I know why and how, I know that it will not change. But, I'm drowning myself in anti-anxiety meds and some delusion that I can battle back.

In fact, I can. In some strange paradox, failing has shown me that, my fears have been irrational. I feared failure more than pretty much anything in the world. I failed, I failed myself.

Now that I have failed, I do not have much to fear. I can now just go in and write my exams and hope I passed.

The convention of exams are set up for people to fail, and that is unfortunate. You are in a room, door closed, a bunch of angst 20-somethings with anxiety over if they fail their parents will not love them. If they fail, their parents will not help them. If they fail, they will not get a well paying job. Or, if they fail, they will not be "successful". As I have stated before in my blogs, having a well paying job does not make you successful, having a nice car does not cause you to be any better. Success is whatever you want it to be. For once, I am believing my own advice.

I want to get into the field I want to get into, to help people. Not for the money, which many of those in health care are.

I am successful as an individual now, I help emotionally, physically, and mentally those around me. I make those laugh who need it. I am a friend to those who deserve it. I stick up for my beliefs, and stay true to my teleology. I am a third year university student in a program that will get me a job. What job, who knows?

I have always wanted to run from my fears. I faced it, at the hands of another human.

I just have to keep a level head, make sure an exam mark does not dictate my attitude. Remain clear on my goals and relax and enjoy the time I have with family and friends.