I saw somebody the other day

He perched across from me. Looking longingly into an empty voice. He lightly curled his lip to give himself something to smile about. The lights weren't on, he looked different. I couldn't figure out what was wrong

I couldn't figure out how to help this person that I have a connection with. I've forgotten what the connection is. He looks malcontent, he looks blankly at me. I look at him. I think about how he was probably happy in his younger days. He looked as if he has seen a ghost.

"Hello? Are you alright?" I whisper

I do not get a single response, not a facial expression. Not a sigh. Just a blank stare. I repeated

"Hello, are you alright?"

I look at him differently, he looks like he has experienced something he shouldn't have. He looks like he might be grieving but cannot let it our.

"Father, son, Holy Spirit." He repeats. Kissing the beads he pulls out of his pocket and points the rosary beads to the sky.

I cannot talk to him. It is like he cannot see me. He is human, I am human? We should be able to connect. He has no idea how to handle himself in any situation now. Socially he is angry, emotionally he is void. Psychologically he has nothing to think about but sadness

I wish I knew what bugged him, who he was, where he has been. If he will ever be 'normal again.'

The face of a man who looks depressed beyond comprehension, unable to move. Unable to speak to anyone..

I do not know this man, I miss who he used to be. I want to see this guy laughing, see this guy smiling. He looks like he has been crying himself to sleep for 4 nights. How many people does he miss? Will he get those people back.

This guy, I've never met. I want to make him happy again. That's all I want

He's too young to face these challenges, to take these constant barrage of life problems.

I want this guy to enjoy his life.

You learn a lot about a person by looking at them for a few minutes.

Regards

Closure doesn't exist

In any form. You never get closure from a job well done. There is always something else to do. Can't get closure on a bad week because you know another week is around the corner. Most of all you can never really get closure from anxiety disorder. Or depression. It is something that hangs around.

No matter the medication, who you talk to, if you get money, something life changing happens. It doesn't matter. Anxiety is a stigma. You never get away from it sadly. Nor are you ever really comfortable admitting your mental health problems.

Closure is a word thrown around fair too much. Over the past 2 weeks, I've heard you get closure from finally burying a human being. You don't. In fact, it opens it more. It opens those feelings more. A persons life never ends. It has touched lives and will continue to touch lives well after they are gone. I still don't know how to grieve. I don't have an outlet. I still hear my grandpa's voice. Everyday. The burial was a closure period. It didn't bring closure.

Because of the lack of closure on grieving, I can't sleep, don't want to eat and have been very grouchy. Yet, I'm supposed to feel like it was a closed chapter.

Anxiety is never open and shut. You tell someone you have anxiety and suffer depression and they have to take your word for it. It is how they react that really affects how you react from then on.

I'm concerned for my personal health, because I can't sleep. I don't laugh, don't listen to much music. I'm frozen in the moment. Unable to move around. No one really knows what goes on in a persons head.

No one ever knows why a person feels anxiety. It culminates and manifests so quickly you are overcome by it.

I've never found closure. I'm more scared now than ever. The ones you love never last forever and that is truly the single most unfair thing about life. I will do a more detailed blogpost on my current mental state. It would be beneficial to my readers to understand my perspective.

Hug the ones you love and hug them tightly.

Regards,

Devon

Twitter: new direction and easing my mind.

What can you say about it? It is vile, aggravating, annoying, vicious and ridiculous much of the time. Others, you may meet a person who genuinely cares about the networking site and become a very important member and confidant.

You crave followers, constantly thinking of originality and always wanting validation. The tweets you make have been done in some form. Sharks waiting for you to slip up. People creating drama for boredom and more trolls you can handle.

Alas, I hit 10k and found out that I did not have quality followers. I had quantity. Which is never what I wanted. I wanted people who shared jokes and stories and supported each other. Have so many random people who make rape and roofie jokes. Foul jokes about 9/11. People who know very little about politics stating they are a strong libertarian and constantly make tweets about other ideologies. People saing they are atheist and immediately picking on people who have found some semblance of hope in this dark world. Some semblance of a handle to grasp on life. People who tweet motivational stuff and tell people who are in a rut that it is easy.

You do twitter your own way. You are entitled to that. I wasn't doing twitter my way. I will be weeding followers out over the next month. Those who read this are probably going to stay. People who interact with me are great or people who favorite anything in the past while will be saved.

I am changing my twitter outlook not to be an elite, rather a person who wants to enjoy twitter for what it should be.

It had been putting pressure on me to create jokes, to go favorite and interact with people who had no interest in it. Trophying tweets had become a chore that I have to do everyday. Alas, friends this is the end of the craving followers era and into the taking twitter easy and maybe actually enjoying the comedy. If I do unfollow you and you want a follow back, all you have to do is ask. And honestly, if you read this please do.

I am not doing this to be a dick, a cunt or an asshole. I am cleaning it and making it fun to scroll through my timeline. Do not hesitate to talk to me. Learn more about me. I am an open book and willing to learn more about you and life itself. Lord knows it could help my anxiety issues.

This is not a move of arrogance but a move of easing my mind of stressors and anxiety revolving around social networking. I am finally doing twitter my way.

Thanks for taking the time to read it, much love and respect all.

Talk to you soon, hopefully.

Thanks,
Best regards,

Devon

Missing something to chew on

I had surgery on April 19th. Surgery that required 8 weeks of liquid diet afterwards. I was told I would lose about 20-25 pounds. I've lost almost double and it has weighed on my mind more than just hunger.

Food is a habit, for some it is a habit practiced too much, for others they choose not to eat. Those people are interesting. That is a mental disorder. The constant need to feel skinny by anxiety forced onto them by the media. Anxiety and paranoia are interestingly related to food and eating disorders. Right down to if someone is watching you eat or not. How you eat, what you eat and how much of what you eat. People go through drives thrus and sit in vehicles because they don't want any constant scrutiny that they super sized a meal. People don't eat much because they think skinnier is healthier.

Me? I know much about diet now. What I learned is a liquid fast is better than nothing, but can have long term effects. It is almost like a state of being bipolar. I've never experienced mood swings.

Drastic weight loss and stress have resulted in my anxiety being skyrocketed. Don't feel like doing much, can't exercise because I will lose more weight.

The miss of the crunch of chips, even the shitty feeling of eating a burger. I've missed it all. And when eating is one of your vices. It is hard to make up for it. My grandfather dying was a great stressor that I couldn't handle. Didn't know how to handle it without some habitual behaviour. Was hungry, but couldn't eat. Since anxiety carries a lot of rhythm to it. I knew something was wrong, I could not fix it.

Now 7 weeks in, I'm frustrated, I'm anxious, I'm no longer hungry. It is a constant state of insatiability now. It is making me aware how important food is to the mind. Quite literally.

Society shows that people should be skinny or else they are made fun of. I am at the skinniest I have been. I have never felt less healthy in my life. I needed that actual feeling of eating to release endorphins. That nasty yet rewarding feeling of crushing a burger.

The anxiety is eating me alive until next Friday

 Food is necessary for human survival and healthy living.

Being a creature of habit, triggers are no longer possible to avoid.

The feeling of not being able to eat does not leave much meaning to what you are doing.

Regards,
Devon