Social media on anxiety, relationships, and well-being

How much does twitter or facebook effect you? You will probably say not a whole lot. But, it does. The difference is, what you see as normal everyday occurrences and speaking with your friends about it is trivial. At this point in technology it is. But at a psychological level. People crave the 'likes' and people crave the 'rts' 'favs' or Trophies on twitter. Tumblr means you want more hits and visitors. I write this blog, this is a form of social media, I do care about views. Because I write this to help other people.

However, the darkness that can come about from Social Media is paramount. Search any racial slur on twitter or google with tumblr added. You will see your everyday average person spewing venom towards everyone that is not their race. Why? Because anonymity makes it easy to do some. It makes it easy to ruin people's day by trolling them. It effects everyone individually. But, the larger picture is. People are just as racist as they were 20 years ago. Now they can spew it without regard for consequence. I personally have a problem with this. I have people who I thought were friends use these avenues to attack another race. It ruins friendships. Family members fight over little trivial spiteful vague posts and don't talk for years.

It can affect how a relationship is founded. I have 2500+ followers, very few of them I know even the littlest detail. But if you post something that strays too far, they can put you on blast. Make you feel like garbage.

Facebook ruins long distance relationships. Sure it is nice to be able to talk to a loved one, or a close friend who lives far away. But, assuming you have some friends close to you. You can connect on facebook, set up meetings. Rekindle friendships, old relationships and if it goes far enough, become intimate and emotionally attached. Facebook is a terrible terrible social media outlet for people who are married or engaged. Because it raises a lot of doubt. It brings about trust issues. People need to step back. People need to realize that 'innocent' conversation has the ability to become a tool to hurt. A tool to make someone depressed.

I don't know if anyone has done studies. But I have the slight feeling that infidelity has risen by a huge margin since Social Media has taken stride (AIM, AOL, MSN, MySpace)

Social media is a slippery slope, I keep it light. I find humor and learn from other people. It is what I look for. However, it is the perspective that really matters for people.

The question at hand is, what exactly do you get from Social Media? How much does it effect you? Positively or negatively?

Too many lives have been lost because social media has been used to harm or depress people, cyber bullying makes it too easy to prey on the 'weak'. 

Regards,
Devon

Crossing the Threshold

Heavy breathing
sudden flush of senses
heart drops
Muscle aches
stomach pain
tears.... For 30 minutes

I cried, like a little bitch.

When? about 30 minutes ago. I think I broke the threshold from having my anxiety under control to a level of depression.

Who am I?
I'm human, I'm caring... somedays. I crave people worrying about me because it makes me feel some sort of self worth. My life has been a constant reminder that you can battle through it. That's what I want people to take from my life. It is not sunshine on either side. Every day is struggle.

Do I know where I went wrong? Do I know where I end up?
No... The thrill of it is entertaining/frightening. More so frightening.
Surgery in October was a God send. I had an excuse. To stop putting pressure on myself. To stop the constant berating of my feelings. I could focus on comedy, having a shitty job just to yuk it up and take a court side seat and just watch life. Sometimes you don't want to be in the drivers seat. I wanted that sending, I craved it. It was the only silver lining. It was how I was going to break the mold my brother had made. I was going to use 2 years of experience and gain to turn myself into something presentable, and something fitting to the rest of my life.... Unorthodox. I've never been one to do things in the order they are presented. Being different, being weird.

 I told people around me it sucked that I was out a year... It didn't. I don't care anymore. My surgery got moved to April, so... You know, I can go to school in September.
I don't want to do it, I didn't after the first semester of this year. My body is toast, I've now sacrificed my body for what... The off chance at a future? somewhere? where does someone like me fit in?
 I've promised myself for too long, that I wouldn't sacrifice personal health or family relationships for school/work. I broke that promise to myself. That hurts the most. I couldn't even admit to myself that I was making a mockery on any ideals I have.

That's bad. I've reached the breaking point with school. Somewhere something/someone was looking over me with the October date. I was going to be able to rest, I want to do stand-up. Lord knows it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

I'm 21 years old, I would give anything to tell 15 year old me that life is going to suck. But, occasionally you will get those moments that show you why, "Life is Beautiful."

Those moments are overshadowed by my constant need to feel anxious. My constant need to not feel depression. These words write themselves

I grew up faster than anyone should. It is not healthy how quickly some kids grow up today. Age is the number, experience of life's events is the true person. I'm 21. I feel 45-55. I don't even fucking know what my name is anymore. I don't want to wear the name 'Hunt'. I do not associate with that side. My name is Devon. Like, Seal or Cher or some shit now. Until I officially change my name.
It is generational, It is not experienced by only me. I fear what is to come for the next generation.

I won't sleep tonight, I'm fine with it. Depression brings many sleepless nights. Daryl Strawberry describes depression as "The Want to Hide, so nobody can see you." That's the truth. Here I am friends, family and twitter. I'm not hiding. I'm not healthy, dimensions of health is what I learned this year. There is 7 of them. Emotional relationships with friends and family is an aspect of social domains. It is the only semblance of 'good'.  I'm not at a scary place. I'm not at the point of self harm or harming others. Don't worry about that. But, the threshold. The threshold has been crossed, 13 kilometers ago.

Thanks for reading.

Devon Hunt.

 Those people around me, who make me happy. I appreciate everyday with you. That's the beauty in life. How fragile everything or everyone you touch, really is. I love you Mom, Fiancee, friends, family, strangers on twitter. You are keeping the train moving.

At this moment of writing. I love you, Devon. For being able to write this, instead of crawling into the deep dark hole like you've done so many times in the past.

I'm in limbo, not quite depressed.

I'm sitting here at 1 am, with no motivation. Sitting on twitter and finding something to laugh at. Can't find anything worth mustering up the will to laugh at. I got up this morning with the intention of going to class. Didn't have to urge to go. I can't. It makes me manic. Makes me panic. Makes me anxious as balls. I took the news hard today that any momentum I have had for post-secondary and setting up a career will be broken up 1 to 2 years. I had the most confidence in myself to come into next year mashing everything. It is earth shattering to me. It is not the first time it has broken up school for me.

I missed the first year of high school because of surgery. I paid the price in more ways than one. A botched surgery, long recovery, catheter, made fun of endlessly for being a year behind. Called dumb, and too stupid to make it onto the next grade. Goblin, Frodo, any other interesting insults they can throw  at me and the way I look.

Alas, I am not ready to call it depression, I'm not ready to call it anything. It has affected my mood and my desire to be active. Procrastination is at an all time high. Not sure what to call it. It isn't a healthy or pleasant feeling. I will break the funk, I have the tools now.

This is not a post for sympathy, this is me telling myself I am not going to slip into depression. I know what it is like. Now is not the time to go there. I'm gonna bounce back.

All my work this year, with the best grades I've had will be for nothing or if not won't mean anything for a year.

If I do fall into depression I will tell you about it, because I cannot keep it away this time. It is too painful for me to go through again alone.

It has taken the wind out of my sails. It has made me second guess most of my decisions thus far. It is a surgery that must be done. I'm showing old habits of blaming people for things who have nothing to do with it or it is out of their/my control.

I am walking around faceless, not literally. But, no emotion. Nothing to show for it. Nothing to smile to, just apathy. Apathy is the gateway to depression.

My anxiety is at an all-time high, but that I can deal with through communication with those who care.

Thanks for reading,

Regards,
Devon