Monday, December 30, 2013

Erosion and Drift

Everyday is a struggle, everyday is a day in which I wonder what can change, or what will change.

I am learning to become less controlling of my surroundings. When you do that, you truly lose sight to how beautiful peace of mind is. As well, you lose the ability to have a firm grasp on your mental state. You are unable to differentiate hurt from good, or pain from want. There is a certain balance, which you have heard before. But, the fact remains all of us have no idea what we are meant to do. Perhaps that is where the keys to life lie.

If we are unable to control ourselves maybe we drift into a conscious being. We are all creatures of habit. People talk about change, people want change? or do they, I'm not sure. I've always been a believer in: Change is Good, whatever the cost.

However, I do not think change is always positive. Change can make you feel alive and proper. But, are you solving the issues? You live day to day, not year to year. I for one have never learned how to live day for day. And that reason is why I live such a anxiety-ridden existence.

I affect those around me. Those I love, those I talk to, and even those I don't talk to. I cut people out, they drift out of my life so I just cut it immediately. That is something I'm working on. 2 friendships I fight for daily, for people that ordinarily would have been gone.

Everyone is a critic, everyone has their gripes with others. People deal with anxiety and depression. As much as the phrase "You are not alone" meant to Michael Jackson, it does not have the same effect on those who suffer depression. In all honesty, I am alone. Because like me; my depression is dynamic. It changes, it is different. In literal terms: No, I'm not alone. I never said I was.






The realest thing that can be said,
is what you don't want to hear.





So no, my friends who read and struggle with this. You are alone, you are able to talk. Even airing your grievances is better than bottling them up. Talk to people, they might not know shit about you. They may not even care. But, in that moment when someone has their undivided attention on you. That is when you feel like there is something right in the world.

Feel free to talk to me anytime.

Thanks.
Best Regards,

Devon.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Ruin me (I'm not well)

I'm not well

I am worthless,
I am not human
I am a shell

I'm not well.

I never cared
I never shared
I never loved

I'm not well

I got too far
I got too scarred
I got too marred

I'm not well.

I was tortured
I earned a fool's fortune
I have nothing

I'm not well.

I am not ironic
I am not educated
I am not intelligent

I'm not well

I suffer
I bluff when asked
I am a prick

I'm not well.

I do not know how to do it again
I do not know if I could
I fought too much.

I'm not well

I lived
I forgive
I never learned

I'm not well.

I'm toxic
I'm angry
I'm frustrated

I'm not well.

I am full of regret, it takes up shame and dignities spot.

Ruin me. Use me, leave the bones. forget me like you've never met me.
Ruin, me.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Zombies, anxiety, and phone screens

You might ask yourself, Zombies and anxiety?

Well, first I could say pretty frightening, right? They can eat your face.
Or I can be like, "hey Woody Harrelson is intimidating when he isn't a raging alcoholic"

But, I am going to talk about 2 separate dealies. First off, staring at screens all day, whilst walking, jogging, biking, and sadly driving is slowly making the world more antisocial. In some extremely ironic way. Even I, I know (shocking) would deem myself kind of alone in the friend department.

Phone screens, tablet gives you unlimited resource to information, no matter how falsified it is. But, who really cares when you can look at cats in jerseys, cats in glasses, or 10,000,000 meme pictures of grumpy cat.

People walk with their phones out in front of them, most of them do not look up until that tweet or text is sent. I've walked and done this, you can look up occasionally and not leave it up to the person ahead of you not to destroy that phone. Alas, this is society in 2013. Zombified because of screens

____________________________________________
Now the otherside of the coin. It is great to be numb for most things, teeth filling, minor surgeries, and stitching. Most importantly, feeling numb in life is a strange feelings. I don't know if you have ever felt this. You stare blankly at something for 10 minutes. All the whilst not thinking, not worrying, and not panicking. It is something to behold. It is one of the happiest 10 minutes of my life. For that moment I don't have to think about fiscal responsibilities, who doesn't like me, did I say the wrong thing. This feeling can be absolutely great.

I had wrote most of this blogpost in September. It is more true now that it ever was. Because, I am one of these zombies. I am liking pictures on instagram that I don't even really look at the picture. I am favoriting tweets that are utter trash in the hopes someone else will validate me.

I am no better than anyone else. I am a zombie, I am a natural slave to my screen. This makes me fear for the next generations.

Validation makes me feel worth something, that worth makes my anxiety a little more bearable and that makes life a little more bearable.

This is the sad truth in 2013. The vices are just as harmful to the body, mind and spirit as they have been before.

Sell your soul for validation. There will be a time you are alone, and that anxiety is soul crushing. I know that feeling.

Now I have to go post this blog to

Twitter

Instagram

Tumblr

Facebook.

Thanks,
Devon

content

I've been looking for words to write blog posts on, nothing catches my eye. Nothing keeps me focused.

I'm less aware of my surroundings and for whatever reason, and for once it is nice. I finished up my exams. Had small talk with someone I am really not gonna give a shit about and left. Not angry, not disgusted I didn't do well on that exam. But, for the first time in my schooling life, and for the first time in my 22 years of living.

I felt content.

I do not think I did particularly well on those exams, and that is just fine. I studied and did what I could. I leave it up to biased professors and a broken grading system.

At that, I am content now. I'm not sure who I really am right now, I'm apathetic. I'm enjoying being this disconnected. I am talking and helping others, I am learning through others. I am liking me a little more.

This will change in the coming days. As my optimism can only last so long before I go back to the world is shit wall to wall technique,

This was a short check in blogpost, I'll be writing more in the coming days.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

You

How have you changed my life?

You make the days bearable
You make delusion understandable
You make me a different person
You make me want to do better as a person
You motivate.
You renovate my life, my soul and being
You cared when no one else could.
You are beautiful at every level
You are beautiful at any age
You are beautiful in every way.
You melt me
You are a hopeless romantic, just like me
You teach me more about me than I have in years.
You are there when I need you.
You sacrifice everything you can
You want a man.
You made me a man.
You are passionate
You are oblivious to what is in front of you
You are the one
You are the perfect match
You are the puzzle piece in a bin of a thousand.
You are you.
That is what matters,
Simply, you are the right in this wrong world.
Everyday I thank you for what you do,
I do not think that you think I am serious.
You are perfect, in your imperfections.

Thank you,

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Faith

What is faith, when you picture it? It is a man who comes home to his wife, without infidelity and they sit and talk about their day?

Is it a bearded man in the sky? on a cloud?

People say, "Why would you put faith in something you've never seen?" or "Why believe god is there when he isn't." "Faith is pointless the world is shit" ETC ETC.

The thing about faith, and why it is so perfect.:

It needs no base, it needs no person, it needs no reason. Faith in its own simplicity is baseless and groundless. Faith is why we get up, somewhere in our depths of our soul we have faith in something. Most of us it is family or a spouse.

As of April, I am no longer declaring myself an atheist or a person who doesn't care. I lost track, I grew up with the internet. For whatever reason the internet really hates the idea of faith in religion.

But, that's the thing. If you do not have faith, you do not believe in yourself. I've never seen God, the world is shit wall-to-wall.

Baseless faith is not looking for answers, you can't. You look for answers and you will only confuse yourself further. Somethings are ironic, stupid, unbelievable, inconceivable; but, really if shit like that did not happen why have faith.

Most people who incorporate faith and religion are said to be clueless. Clueless from what? Using faith as a way to deal with life?

Faith is sheer brilliance as a concept. It is a coping strategy that is unlike any other. Reorganizing your life according to faith is a little far fetched and where the lines blur.

A person who believes and has faith is not an idiot. They aren't ignorant. Most of them don't ignore the idea that there might be no one up there.





For some people, Faith is all they have.
The only thing that gets them through the day.
Faith is big, faith is small.
Faith is dumbfounded at most times




This blogpost was not to write about bashing atheism, or bashing religion.
This blog post is to explain the important role faith plays.
I have faith in those around me, those who have passed.
Those who get out of bed in the morning to feed their kids and family
Those people are what I have faith in. They don't give up, they may want to. But, they are just as lost as the rest of us.

Before you go be an asshat about atheism or religion. Just remember faith is a separate entity. Faith is unique.
Their day may be shit, but they have faith in something.

Regards,
Devon

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Relax to the future

Dude, the rug really tied the room together.

Relax...
Relax...
relax....
re...
Panic sets in

*wakes up groggy* tries to go to the bathroom. Can't. Stumbles back to room. Crashing against each walls like a tidal wave along a bank.

I hit my head against the door frame, take 2 steps. See an entertainment center. Collapse. I don't know if I hit my head again. I don't know if I am alive at this point. Fiancee and mother try to dress me as quick as possible, asking me basic questions.

Drifting in and out of consciousness like a drunk at last call, unable to form the thoughts necessary. I am at a brick wall. Can't answer, all I see is light. Family I haven't seen for 8 months flash before my eyes. For about a century in my mind I saw my grandfather. It was beautiful.

I recall coming back to, seeing the light in my mind while drifting out of coherency is something I did not feel comfortable with.

"I'm scared, I don't want to die!" I almost chant, twice. Or at least in my head twice. I hear ambulance being said. I snapped back, into conscious mind. Felt like I had an overdose and was given an inhibitor.

I get up, go to the kitchen drink some powerade. Never knowing what happened.

Get in the car, go to the hospital. Shrug it off, make my fiancee laugh. Talk to my uncle.

Unable to explain what happened, the nurses and doctors really did not do all they could. I was let out 6 hours later with tracing in my vision. A sore neck and shock of what has happened.

This is day 2. All I realize is I must learn to relax. I don't know how. I've never known how. I've been a nervous wreck since post secondary school. 3 years of constant stress and anxiety, waking up afraid and embarrassed that I don't want to go to school because of the severe anxiety that's produced from being in school.

I'm still scared, I'm shaken. I go to the emergency room to get diagnosed, not turned away like a salad next to a burger.

I sustained what I figure is a concussion, because I had to diagnose myself.

I'm realizing how little school will mean if I do not live to see the end of the fruits of my labour.

I am scared of everything now. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be scared. I want to relax. I'll never relax, I'm always going to be on edge. As long as I am in school.

Here is to what post secondary can do to the human body and mind. What love can do to the human body and mind. To valuing life a little more than I did before it happened.

What I saw that morning was peaceful, but I'm not done living.

Best Regards,
Devon

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Man of the house of cards.

Recently, I've been in a dark place. Many of you know, many of you don't.

I'm the "man of the house"... Whatever that means, what it means to me is. People abandon people, and someone has to be there to be the strong one for them. I am that person. I'm trying, I lose my grip occasionally, but for now. I am a grown up.

I'm a student, I feel like I should be working. Being a student thinly veils the reality of what is coming to me. That is being responsible, being a rock for the people around me.

My grandpa passed away in April and I guess that is when my life changed, I had not realized it until about a week ago. My grandpa was a man, he was a man of character and grit.

He worked everyday of his life. When his death hit, I never grieved. I never found out how. I lost another person out of my life, my stepfather. I was left stunned and unaware of the world. Unaware of what it meant for me. I've been depressed since April, I can count 0 days where I was not depressed.

People joke I'm the man of the house, there is the stark reality that I am in fact, the man of the house. I don't know how to handle the responsibility, I have to pick up my socks somewhere here and march through it.

About a week ago, I sincerely debated how much this pressure would truly hit me with. If it was worth living through it. I got hit in the face with the realization that, I would just be another person. Abandoning my family, being taken from the world.

You control your own fate most of the time, and for the past 6 months I wanted to do anything but decide my own fate. I'm still depressed. I still don't know who to love, when, why and how. I don't know where I will be. I don't know who will be there or who I want to be there.

The man of the house of cards.

Regards,
Devon

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

/found

You had me lost
you had me tired
you had me unaware
you had me caught up in stuff
You helped me escape
you were something i found solace in
you are something i can't figure out
your walls and shield battled us all the way
you are human
We may never speak again
but that escape for months is irreplaceable
because of a 6 second video
I got to learn more than I should have
could have
and would have
that pain is not possible to put into words.
I'm sorry
I wanted the best
I was lost
I'm found now
Through pain, and misery
I know where I am and who I am.

I miss you, my friend
This is for you, I hope you read it.

True Love Will Find You in the End

Monday, November 25, 2013

uncomfortable

my chest hurts,
my brain hurts,
I'm sweating
my heart beats
it beats hard
it beats clearly
my brain is fried
it is in disarray
I can't grasp anything
I'm falling over myself in my head
how to fall back down to earth
I was stuck above it, I dream of it
I don't want to be on the ground
I want to be where I am happy
I'm sappy
unaware of how to deal
how to feel
reaching a new boundary in my comfort
I'm out there and cannot come back.
I'm floating,
In nothing
nowhere
No sights
no sounds
no smells
nothing to touch
with a sour taste.
Nothing but my thoughts, racing
and masking who I am

Monday, November 18, 2013

Entertainer

What's it like trying to entertain the smallest of masses? It is fun.... I would not be doing it if I did not love it. It is great to know I can make the odd person laugh. I try not to go too far. I live day to day. I try to entertain every minute of the day. It is great, I love the value of what I do....

What value?

There is no real value to being an entertainer.. Yeah I made you laugh a few times, I can try to make you smile, I can make you read these words. I can make you love these words. But, in all honesty. Being an entertainer is pretty depressing when the lights go out.

I'm all alone at night, no one to make laugh. No one to make smile. It is just me, I myself never get to smile. I cannot pretend to smile. I watch stand up for someone else to make me laugh. I can only imagine those comics go through the same.

You do not make friends as an entertainer. You make acquaintances, and anyone who might get into the inner circle is just as easy to move out. Truly, entertaining is sad.

I'm sure if I got paid to write these, or got the Cajones to go and perform a set, it might be different. But, as it is. I write mediocre tweets and make relatively funny shorts on instagram. People follow me from everywhere, there is always someone up when I am. That is kind of comforting. But, I will never meet these people. For their sake, I do not think it would be wise.

I've always been kind of a loner, and some days. Social networking brings it out even more.

So, do you think, that tweet of mine you might have read is funny? There is people funnier? That instagram video? Someone makes funnier.

Being an entertainer of even the smallest of masses is hard.

You are all alone at the end of the night. And that is when you truly see how lonely being an entertainer is.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Know Your Role

Everyone has a role. Everyone in some way contributes to society, and societal norms. Yes, even homeless people. As many people think they contribute nothing, and just sponge off of others. They play a rather crucial part for a green movement.

But, besides the point. You have a role somewhere on social media. You have a role in your family, you have a role outside your house. Your role is often dictated by someone else.

I am a student, I work, I try to be a little more in-depth with knowing those around me. In recent conversations I found out I'm viewed as an ass, as a villain. I rub people the wrong way.

There is a reason why the role is: a) given to me and b) why I thoroughly embrace this role. I am an open book in all aspects of my life. But, there is a wall to be broken with me, and probably with yourself. That wall is being able to be comfortable enough to tell me a bit about your mind, your body and soul. If I was likable for everyone, would anyone really know me? What plagues me?

I am a character oriented guy. I am an asshole, I play my own role because I would like to have close friends, rather than trusting blindly. People who battle to get to know me, or make some time are pretty interesting. I'm an average 22 year old kid with dreams that are yet to be crushed. I am an average 22 year old that does not drink or is very social outside of twitter.

In my in person life, I have earbuds in and wear a permanent angry face. Because, small talk frustrates me. How much information can you really gather? And what purpose would that serve? I'm an asshole in my life as well. I will call out family, friends, pretty much anyone for being a bully or abusing someone.



My image in person is not dictated by how I describe myself,
but rather my actions.
That is what society has lost.



You can be told all about how awesome I think I am, or if I am worth your time to talk to. But, unless you see action or have a discussion about my history, how would you know who you are talking to?

I have no desire to protect a public image. I write this to be vulnerable, to allow you to see why I write, whom I write for and how it helps me. This is as real as I get.

So, here I am, your not-so-friendly neighborhood villain.  You have your own role. I hope you play your role for you and not for other people.

Best Regards,

Devon

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Nutella

First off, nutella is for "white people" It is a higher priced chocolate spread. When I say higher priced, it is affordable, but you can eat a fucking jar in one sitting.

Nutella is like finding all 150 of the first pokemon
Nutella is like owning a monkey, but never having to look after it.
Nutella is literally sex in your mouth.
Nutella is like having the Cubs win a World Series.
Nutella is like a humble leafs fan.
Nutella is like Nicolas Cage maybe acting decently in a movie.
Nutella is like the next Star Wars movie being good.

Nutella represents what we don't have in life. That sweet sultry mix of tasteful delight. Nutella is like the first time you gave cunnilingus. You didn't care, it was the moment. It was feeling it all at once.

Nutella is Chocolate, but then that little dude from the Flintstones was like, fuck it. Let's show the world what life could really be like. Then sprinkles some every loving kindness into that sweet moist chocolatey goodness.

Nutella is the reason why I am probably fat. Probably, not the 3 cheeseburgers I ate.

Nutella is like a normal chocolate spread, but then Joseph Gordon Levitt stuck his dick in it.

Nutella is like never having to hear Rihanna's "Shine Bright Like a Diamond" again

Nutella is like the great Greek god Zeus struck a bolt through the swiss alps and created nectar so good, it gives life threatening diabetes.

Nutella, simply is. The best spread since Kate Upton in maxim
...
...
...
...
Fuck it....
I'm naming my first kid Nutella.

Consumed by you

Consume - To indulge in food, drink, laughter and various other sundries.

Me? I indulge in the fruits of individuals. I indulge of the people of society. In all aspects in life.

Me? I'm consumed by your beauty, your promise and your elegance.

Me? I'm consumed by your imperfections, your flaws, your frustrations and your lazy days.

Me? I'm drunk off of you. Drink off of what might be, what you might be. Drunk on one.

Me? Consumed by your thoughts and fantasies, your love. Your arched back, your sweat on your brow. Your ears and eyes. I am consumed by the fantasy of seeing you in your most imperfect form.

Me? Consumed by your cute adorable face and adorable lips.

Me? Most of all, consumed by the temptation, consumed by the desire to escape reality in some form. I am sincerely consumed by the thought of being able to live free from reality for at least a few hours.

Simply, I'm consumed by your smile and your laughter.


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Naive

First of all, fuck the spelling of Naive.

But, now to what I have to put out there.

I'm unsure what I am supposed to do in life. It seems everything you do will lose you a friend, lose a part of your conscience. Lose a part of you.

Naive is versatile. It can mean many things. It is usually used as an insult.

Sometimes it is good to be naive. Good to be ignorant to stupidity.

It is defined as having a lack of judgement, experience or wisdom. That's an unfair definition. You can be aware, you can have experience and not say anything. I'm naive to my own experiences. I'm naive to criticism. I do care most of what is said about me. I wish I did not. That might make me a sociopath otherwise. But sometimes that might be more comfortable in my skin.

There is something beautiful about naivety, though. Naivety is simple, absent from thought or judgment. Which is something this world lacks. Everyone can judge, the less intelligent ones judge more. No one is fit to judge. Including judges.

I'm naive to my depression most days. I try to live bright and alive. I would live to be unsuspecting of the harsh realities of the world. I would love to be naive. To be not subjected to the idiocy and hypocrisy. I wish I could forget most of what happens. Simply enjoying the beauty in nature is naive in both the negative and positive complex. You can enjoy the simplicity of it and be naive to the destruction. You can be naive to a developed city with jobs and dynamic personality.

In my times as an asshole, I have put many people through my own psychological experiments. Some more severe than others, I robbed something from them. Their naivety to the world. I wish I could give that back.

People who follow guidelines and routines are naive.

Nearly every definition on Freedictionary.com has a negative connotation to the word.

Naivety is not negative in some of its most beautiful forms.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Depression

I may never see the end of it,

I sincerely hope I do. I hope when people do get depressed they know there is an end besides killing yourself.

I don't see it, but some part of me has to believe it.

I'll never get why I am depressed, for whom I am depressed or why.

I can get every ounce of being off of my chest of shit that bothers me. Still be depressed as hell.

I wish I knew why

I can't

I won't

I'm worry.


Thursday, November 7, 2013

Dynamic

You are sitting there. On your phone, on your tablet, on your computer. You are looking at a screen, ever changing from page to page/app to app. Moving your finger is animation, allowing the body to move. The brain process behind hitting the home button is dynamic. The brain is dynamic. That is part of the issue with much of mental illness.

The brain is constantly thinking. All the while, everyone is looking for something to pacify. If you don't, you get ran over by the anxiety train. You might act on depression, you look for something to numb. Something stupid, funny, musical, or ironically something depressing. Something ever changing so your brain has to focus.

That is not always an option. I numb myself into video games. I write this blog as a way to numb myself and my thoughts. 

You are dynamic in an environment that is dynamic. 

This is necessary for everyday life - apart from the obvious reason of, if you aren't dynamic you are dead. But, if you live an existence where the exact same things happen everyday. It would become depressing and eventually drive you insane. 

I say "What else can go wrong?"

But, that is the beauty of life. If nothing went wrong, you gain no knowledge or experience from it all. You build no character from it. 

I need anxiousness in a strange way because it allows me to rationally think of why I am anxious. How I can prevent the anxiety and learn to cope. If it happens regularly and with the same gusto I would lose a sense of self. I could stop it, I would have no motivation. 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Greed.

What makes a human being greedy?

The desire or accumulation of surplus, more than what he or she means.

In today's society, greed is huge. Greed plays a rather large part in social media as well. Every person wants to be the first to break that story, break many stories. Everyone wants 100 likes on their instagram photo of a cat. Every person wants tweet that gets retweeted by a celebrity. You know what, I'm no different.

I want it all.

Greed will sacrifice those around you, because you chase your desires. You ruin your character, your values and your morals just for that surplus. In the early 90's it seemed that greed was more money orientated. I'm gonna suggest that validation is more important in today's society.

I write this blog for me,
but if I have no one who reads it,
is there any reward?
Is there a reason to keep writing.

No, You see, I'm no different from that person who craves attention, who craves money. Today, we crave what we do not have. We are all sophists. We all look out for ourselves.

Even those who donate to charity, they do not come into work the next day and not tell you. Or show you the shirt they got for running for the "cure". Greed needs a very important part with it. Recognition and pride.

But, how much pride can really come with the greed of an individual? Sure, you donated, sure you are wearing the shirt and telling everyone. But, did you do it for the right reasons if you need to be recognized?

Modesty and humbleness do not exist in many of persons vocabulary.

I'm on social media to one day make a career out of writing or comedy.

I will probably never achieve it. But my greed for the likes, the favorites, and the Retweets keeps me going.

At times, if I am not Retweeted or mentions in awhile I get a little down. That is something installed with the twitter app.

To generalize as I have done so far. Everyone is greedy in their own way. Everyone wants what they cannot have.

Greed rules the lives of the many, the desire for something that is not really that important in the grand scheme of things.
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
Feel the need, the need for greed.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Numb...

I don't want to be here.

Scared of everything. Scared of pain
Always in pain. Scared to make a mistake

I don't want to be here.

Numb: Being unaware, dangerous, not caring, sociopathic
Emotionless, spineless.

I don't want to be here.

I want to become a ghost, a shell. I want to hate, I want to dislike everything, everyone. Without care.
Don't care about myself and others.

I don't want to be here.

I long to be numb
I long to be ignorant and stupid.

I don't want to be here.

Doing this and that. Convention, i don't want to be criticized and ostracized everyday.
I don't want to be judged,
I do not want to feel pressure.

I don't want to be here.

A happy life is dictated to you by media,
I will never be the best
Most days I won't even be my best.

I don't want to be here.

I just want to not care most days.
I do not see a future when I look at my life.
I never have.
I want to be numb. In my mind, numbness is beautiful.
Numb feels like sanity.

I don't want to be here.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Light.

There is two ways a person can speak of light. Light is the absence of weight.

Light is the absence of darkness.

Light can be a voice of reason, light can be the person who rights the ship. The person who can talk to you better than anyone else. They are the light.

Light shows the paths of the right, light can also show you how wrong you can be doing things. Light can illuminate the road ahead. It can illuminate the fork in the road that you did not see.

The way light hits your face just right, to illuminate the pure beauty. The raw perfection of your face. Shows the beautiful colours in your eyes.

Light gives the sparkle in the eyes of the people around you. Light gives life to nature, and environment. Again, metaphorically and physically. Without light, beautiful flowers, a perfect bumble bee or a stunning garden would not exist.

Light illuminates your love, your being, and your breath.

Light comes from burning, fire and destruction. Light from burning bridges is absolutely perfect in this world. One bridge burned gives light to your future relationships. An auburn fire burning is like a horizon off in the distance that you can only see at a certain time at night.

Light is the absence of darkness. Making it out alive from the dark holes we bury ourselves in. The dark holes we are found in. Finding balance and spiritual awareness through the light.

Everyone chases light.
....
...
..
..
Light is the last thing you see,
Light is the last thing you chase.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Passion

What is passion?

Passion has a definition, but it really should not. Passion is not something definable, it is not refine-able. Passion is almost innate. Everyone is born with a passion - in my opinion.

Passion is the ability to chase a dream, chase a goal, chase a job with nothing to lose. Whether right or wrong for the soul, your chase is passion. There is no life without passion.

Thinking of my passion for the little things, passion to know you are alright. Passion to know you feel great. Passion can be selfless, passion is more selfish. Passion is its own being. Possessed by beauty, possessed by dreams.

What is passion?

Passion is trying to crawl out of darkness, passion is finding some comfort in a nice snowy Sunday. Passion for the beauty of nature. Passion is an avenue. It is how you act, how you depend on something.

What is passionate?

Passionate is loving, caring, and enjoying what you do, and what you have. I am passionate I get to talk to you, I am passionate that I can bring you from the depths.

I worry about your passion, I worry your passion may overtake you.

Passionate is looking into the mirror and seeing a gleam in your eye. The gleam that makes you get dressed and delve into the world to find out what it has to offer. Passion is big. Passion is small. Passion is the most dynamic aspect of your personality.

What is passion?

Under definition "Passion is a controllable strong emotion"

In life, somethings are out of your control, you do not drive your passion. Passion drives you, drives your soul.

Try to take risks, try to improve. Your beauty and passion is what drives me.

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Pure emotion, pure rush, and the purest passion.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Beautiful.

When are you beautiful?

When you are stripped bare, when you have nothing on. When I can see every inch of your body.

When are you beautiful?

I do not mean physically. I mean mentally. There is no shield, there is no wall. I can see every inch of your cortex. I can see how confident you are, I can see your conscience. I can see when you are not self-conscious. When you are full of self-esteem. In that moment you are breathtaking. You are the only thing in the world.

When are you beautiful?

When you are happy, not just a physical smile. But, when your body is happy. When you walk with happiness. When you breathe with happiness.

When are you beautiful?

When we can talk, share, and exchange our beautiful words. Intertwining in the air, meeting and becoming so much more. When I learn about your life, when I learn stuff about your life that even you do not know.

When are you beautiful?

When you are exhausted, broken down, and drained. When you are not always on. When in that moment of weakness, you have nothing to lose. In that moment I get to see a true side of you.

When are you beautiful?

When I do not lust after you. When I envision you in my mind, you perfectly fit. When even my mind cannot comprehend how perfect you are in my fantasy.

When are you beautiful?

When you embrace your imperfections at every tone. In every way. When you realize it is those moments of weakness and those imperfections are what makes you beautiful. When our words mash together and make its own painting. When you are happy, inside and out. When you have nothing on your mind but just how great you feel.

Those are the moments in which I get lost in, in my mind.
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You define beautiful.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Reason, Rationale and Relax

I failed a midterm in the past week. It stings, I've never failed a post-secondary exam. It hurts deep. It hurts my brain, it hurts my heart. It does not hurt one thing: my pride. I failed it because I went in and wrote a shit exam. A shit exam in convention that is so ridiculous and stringent it causes every person who is writing the most severe anxiety they've experienced. It has been a learning experience. It frustrated me, it made me angry, it made me reflect at how much school really means. What I am there for. I am there to get an "education", their definition of education is how well you can re-read the same sentence and produce it on an exam. I've learned in my life so much more than that.

Since I have begun school it has taught me more about myself, and society. That being, I do not like myself and I do not like the societal norms of university.With reason, I concluded I failed an exam, I know why and how, I know that it will not change. But, I'm drowning myself in anti-anxiety meds and some delusion that I can battle back.

In fact, I can. In some strange paradox, failing has shown me that, my fears have been irrational. I feared failure more than pretty much anything in the world. I failed, I failed myself.

Now that I have failed, I do not have much to fear. I can now just go in and write my exams and hope I passed.

The convention of exams are set up for people to fail, and that is unfortunate. You are in a room, door closed, a bunch of angst 20-somethings with anxiety over if they fail their parents will not love them. If they fail, their parents will not help them. If they fail, they will not get a well paying job. Or, if they fail, they will not be "successful". As I have stated before in my blogs, having a well paying job does not make you successful, having a nice car does not cause you to be any better. Success is whatever you want it to be. For once, I am believing my own advice.

I want to get into the field I want to get into, to help people. Not for the money, which many of those in health care are.

I am successful as an individual now, I help emotionally, physically, and mentally those around me. I make those laugh who need it. I am a friend to those who deserve it. I stick up for my beliefs, and stay true to my teleology. I am a third year university student in a program that will get me a job. What job, who knows?

I have always wanted to run from my fears. I faced it, at the hands of another human.

I just have to keep a level head, make sure an exam mark does not dictate my attitude. Remain clear on my goals and relax and enjoy the time I have with family and friends.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

I'm fine, until next time.

One thing I have noticed about depression and anxiety is that it is not constant in a all the time sense. It is constant in the, "hey, you'll be fine for about 3 weeks then I'm coming in like Ray J and you are a Khardashian."

I struggled with the ability to bounce back, now I have it pretty much down to an art. A very sad art. Like a poorly drawn 1st grade picture that hangs on your refrigerator.

I try to figure out the triggers, the frustration and the general reason why I feel depressed at any given time. Playing video games used to pacify, but something in my brain has now associated that with anxiety. I'm kinda just a blob. A mindless person who just sits there like Homer Simpson.

Grasping at anything he can get to be motivated. Unfortunately it is hard to find, if you are depressed. Sometimes all you need is to someone to give you a tough talk. Everyone can be sympathetic and optimistic, but pessimism and cynicism almost always brings me out of it.

Unfortunately the world is not perfect. It will never be as long as the Big Bang Theory is on TV. But, the imperfections in the world, in people, in your own mind are what makes you human. That is what gives you knowledge. That is experience. We all gain from experience. Positive or negative, experiences guide you.

I'm not bold enough to make a move. I'm rather plain. That's me. I try to survive everyday, I try to struggle with the fact that I will never live depression free. Sometimes, that is okay. Those moments when I am not I feel unbeatable.

That is what is truly scary for the rest of the world and mental illness. There is no true cure for it. Pharmaceuticals can take that numbness away. But, at the end of the day you are still depressed just running on a pill.

Social media has one thing in common. People feel anxiety, people are uneasy. It does not have: people willing to talk about anxiety and what causes it. Because it is a "weakness".

I'm vested in social media because I can get lost in it. It is a trigger at the same time, because when other people feel like shit, I want to take on what causes their feeling so they do not have to anymore.

So, I'm out of the depression after about 4 days.
It should be back in about a month.
I'm fine, until next time.

Regards,
Devon

Monday, October 14, 2013

Trapped.

For once in my life. I am at rock bottom.
I don't feel like hurting myself.
Don't feel like myself.
Don't feel like looking at myself.
Don't know myself.
I don't know how to act.
I don't know who to talk to
How, or what about.
Nothing is really worth talking about.
I'm depressed. This is clear.
I let it eat me alive like it never has before.
I am more aware of how bad it effects me.
I don't function. I don't do anything.
Even seeking validation I don't give a shit.
Everyone has their lives.
Everyone kinda keeps up.
My life is still moving.
I am not.
I am not motivated.
I am not happy
I am not content.
I am not patient.
I am not inspired.
I don't care anymore.
I am not me.
I am not a McRee, a Hunt, a anything.
I'm without identity and slowly losing personality.
There has to be something said to post-secondary schools
about how everyday life there effects the students.
There has to be a wake up call.
I am drowning in the sea of depression.
I have a midterm tuesday. Who knows if I will even look at it.
I do not want school if it makes me want to contemplate suicide again
I live a dream that I never wanted. I live this dream because people want me to
I am smart, I do not need a university or the ability to regurgitate bullshit to prove that I am
The anxiety creeps.
The depression creeps.
I am not the only once, cynically I take some comfort in this.
Macewan, UofA, NAIT, Stanford, Yale, Brown, Notre Dame, Florida, LSU (ETC)
Have no problem taking your money, and having apathy to how your life is affected
financially, emotionally, physically.
Just give them their bread and butter.
Fuck the students, fuck the people like me who are tormented with fears of unknown and unnatural being. Fear of convention.
 You read stories of students committing suicide every week or at least attempting. This isn't enough for someone to wonder anything?
Wonder how we can fix it.
Because, having a shitty Councillor read you a book definition of chronic anxiety but not help you is not doing anything. Having a psychiatrist who does not know a damn thing about you does not help.
Outreach? For whom? I'd say the outreach is them to you, to make themselves feel better that they do not live everyday with anxiety. With the feelings of depression and regret.

Regards,
Fuck you. 

Monday, September 23, 2013

Anxiety is never patient.

I've not written in sometime. This post is a little musings about anxiety. As I know it, as I've come to learn about it and deal with it.

School brings with it new hope, new fear and new dread. I live a life of constant fear of doing something wrong. This year, I really haven't given a shit. which has spun my anxiety in a different direction. Almost kind of exciting. Making mistakes are necessary in life. They are not something you can teach, but what you get out of making mistakes is more valuable than you would know. I live a more conscious life on social media, I pick up on triggers and talk to people. Compliment people, if at least I am empty inside they might feel a little bit better.

That's all I can really ask for, if people around me are happy I become a hell of a lot more content with surroundings. Not to say I'm not selfish at times. Sometimes it is about the give and take in life. If everyone buttered each other up, we could all have a little more happiness. Which is fair, and not unreasonable in today's age. But, you know what is easier? spreading hate, blocking, and shaming people. Something about social media is so polarizing in today's youth. And to be honest, it is a good thing more than it is a bad thing. If not for social media, I wouldn't know people I would genuinely care about me or want to talk to me. I wouldn't be able to express my humorous musings online or write about anxiety and get it out to a mass audience.

I've slowly changed my attitude. With life, you must surround yourself with positive people. Even strangers, as ironic as that sounds.

Over the past week I've learned that anxiety and mental illness is not patient. It does not really care what you have on your plate, or how you plan to deal with it. Therein lies the beauty of it all, as if you cannot move forward through it; You have never really experienced life. If you don't get the knowledge from it, then you can never learn. Everything happens for a reason? maybe? Everything happens is more suited. You must find beauty in true tragedy and pain, or else you will be consumed by your own mind/

Put some spin on your bullshit to make it more believable. I don't believe in much, but, I believe putting a different spin on your issues will make life a little more liveable.

Regards,

Devon.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The Ebb and Flow of the day after birth.

After Birth is a terrible choice of words to start this, oh well. Huzzah.

Let me preface this with: today I hit the same spot I did 3 years ago. Where I wanted to make the cowardly choice.

I didn't dwell on it. With the help of many key family members and new friends I battled back. I didn't want to fall into the funk, again. I know how hard it is to bring yourself out of it... Or for that matter, if you can get out of it. I was a shell today. 22 and a day old shell. I had my body moving, but my brain was pacing like a tweaker. Which is the beauty of life. Your body and mind are rarely synced. For that matter, I don't think they should be. If they are, you are most likely lying to yourself. But, I digress. What I had lacked the first time I hit the funk was Spirit. As the 3rd prong of the trident I didn't know what to do with it. The first time around I just had a fucked up fork.

Spirit, where you get it does not really matter to me. It is important to have it. Spirit can be brought about religiously, can be brought about emotionally. Something just needs to ignite inside. Today, something finally did. After 4 weeks of moping I was tired of being a little bitch. There are people who are fighting for their lives, and all I wanted to do was cease mine. How fair is that?

I scared a lot of people today, including one person who should mean much more than what he does to me. That person was me. I repeatedly said I am scared of myself, as if it were a cynical chant before going to fight a 12 rounder with Prime Time Tyson.

You are your harshest critic, but only when you want to be, I found every fucking reason to be a mope. My brother told me "You have no coping mechanism anymore." Which, struck me upside the head like a 12 round fight with Manny Pacquaio - How many more boxing references does he have left? I had stopped writing my blog over the summer, and in fact; I ignored every inkling to write a short piece of mind.  I ran away from my only source of channeling my anxiety and fear.

I took it upon my shoulders since my grandpa died to try to worry and take care of everyone's problems. I spent more money than I should've. I sacrificed more of my body and health than I should have. I did this all on my own, nobody asked me. In a way, I went into the darkness by myself. I didn't care.

I found a reason to get back to the funk, that I had successfully avoided for 3-4 years.

Why? Because, I never grieve, I never care to grieve. I'm really not that big of an asshole. I play one on social media. I truly care about people I have never fucking met. (bananas, right?) I have had more people call me an asshole in the past year than ever before. It fuels me to want to be a better person. I try to pay it forward, talk to people I normally would ignore.

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So, this morning I woke up in uncomfortable pain and had a realization I have no motivation to get out of bed. My body did, my mind decided to take a rain cheque. My mind was still back in bed moping. Somewhere around 2 pm I started spiraling and unable to battle back. My brother had called me, knew I was down and challenged me in many ways. I cannot put into words how much that fueled me. I had old friends and new friends decide to just talk to me today.

You are never out of it in life, you are never able to truly run away.
 You should be able to battle back, you should find a way to stay.
Today, I went back and forth from down and up I suppose.
These are the problems that life can juxtapose.

I totally used juxtapose wrong. I'm a juxtaposer.

Regards,

Thanks to anyone who read this and continues to read my blog, you are awesome

Devon 

Monday, September 9, 2013

Gonna try this Birthday Rap style

Maybe if you tried something other than bitter,
You'd get to know the runt of the litter.
You'd know I'm not a quitter.
I've never needed a sitter, I've never needed help
Finding my birthday supper on Yelp.
All I'm trying to say is, don't throw me aside like kelp.
I'm a human, I run on emotion
Sometimes that emotion flows like the ocean,
I'm not coasting,
I know what I want
I know how I can
It is easy to hate the man
Who lays it out,
Like a bad case of Gout.
I'm trying to be artsy,
I don't need a reason to be
I'm trying to be on my game 24/7
I can't be anyone other than Devon
You block, you spew, you try,
Your weak shit don't fly
I give you a reason to hate an asshole
So, you won't ever know the real me

I am humble, I know my limits
I am nothing compared to you dimwits.
It takes a certain level of empathy to understand me
You never took the time to care about letting it be.
I don't cause shit unless you attack character
My values, my beliefs or my vocabulary
Sentences, lines, and flow. I'm smooth like Larry
Bird on the court, in the sky. With flight so light.
Where to go with these.
This has taken me 3 minutes to write,
This is horrible, I know.
But, if you don't try anything, You'll never know
The limit of your potent-iow.
I stretched for that last line, like a pair of large undies on a clothesline
Like an old cord on a landline.
Line rhymed 3 times like I don't give a shit,
I don't care what people think of my looks,
I'm the King on this board, you're the rook
not everyone looks like a character in a book.
So try to bring me down with your bull.
I'll leave you sitting in a lull.
I got so much lines sitting in my cull
In my queue, I'm gonna be 22.
I am tired of people not caring about people
We are all in it, we are all equal.
Fuck everything and just be you,

Good night I wish you all a better year,
For tomorrow and yesterday are too near
To constantly live in fear.
I wrote this in hopes you laughed like I did.
I couldn't write it without being candid.
I have no hard feelings for those who did
Wrong, you hate me, I can forgive.
As my compass has no leaks unlike a sieve

Happy fucking birthday to me.

Regards,
The worst rapper ever.
Devon.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Delusion, and its effects on anxiety.

"Devon, you need a little delusion in your life, you need to believe all the bad shit is happening so something good will happen later."

This was said to me very recently by a close friend. To be honest, she is absolutely right. I view the world with so much cynicism and pessimism that everything that happens is bad and bad shit always happens to me. With no pay off. I continue to struggle everyday believing that good things will happen as long as I endure the bad. In the past it has proven right.

I continue to wonder if life is a constant test of how many shitty things you can endure before it gives you a little nugget.

It is important for those who suffer from mental illness to have some ground to plant on. Over the past 2 weeks I have had none. I contemplated who would miss me if I am gone, and that crushed me. I haven't ever thought about that in years. Life is becoming harder to battle through, absolutely everyday is a struggle. For me, for you, for those who are less fortunate. There is a lot of issues in today's world.

Delusion is an interesting word. An idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality,... - This is the definition of delusion.

Which has so much information in it, it is harder to define. Delusion is telling yourself things that are generally believed to be good. Like "Dr. Phil is a good doctor" is a great delusion. "The Vancouver Canucks are a great hockey team"

These are delusions, OR are they? what is generally accepted as reality? People in Vancouver believe the Canucks have been one of the better teams the last 5 years. Dr. Phill pulls in hundreds of thousands or millions of viewers in any given week. Are they really that bad?

What is generally accepted as reality in my generation is: God has no bearing on life, agnostic is the way to go, bad shit happens, move on.

Here is the great thing about that, bad shit happens. Life is a mess and is often Chaotic. You must find the middle ground. That life is shitty wall to wall, but there is some beauty in chaos. Some hope to be found.

Anxiety and Depression is often a 2-way street. Ride the highs as far as they can go, and battle the lows. Because the highs will come, it is how you bounce back from all the terrible things in your life that will allow you to truly enjoy the great aspects of life. The beauty of clouds, the jokes, the laughter, enjoy those whilst you can. The Company, conversation, even a head nod. cherish the idea that people acknowledge and love you. In a way, they could know what you are going through. They could possibly have experience to what you are going through. Know that you are not alone in anything.

I've spent 2 days now convincing myself of this. That everything happens for a reason. An optimistic view for someone who has viewed life as "Shit wall to wall" (Louis CK) It is a dumb way to view everything around you. When you are at your lowest, you will find anything to cling to, anything to stand on.

Remember: the word delusion has a bad connotation in most cases.
Delusion can also be good, delusion can be very necessary in day to day life if you suffer from poor mental health.

Best Regards,

Devon

Friday, August 23, 2013

Paranoia and anxiety.... What was that?

The feeling of paranoia is one of the most frightening things that comes with mental illness. You can't really do much to stop it, apart from drowning it in booze, drugs, or prescriptions. It is very hard to break the cycle because that is the nature of what paranoia is. The constant worry about something that may or may not be real can ruin your day. Often times it does. It is part of the stigma. Perception of what paranoia is, is much different than what a person who suffers from it might see. Others view paranoia at an extreme. Ex, that girl or guy is scare to do anything because someone might be following them. OR they might be bordering on schizophrenia/bipolar/depression. It is much more simple than that. Paranoia is the worry of something that is yet to happen. Paranoia is the worry of an idea that can hurt you.

I get paranoid. I get afraid. I'm aware most of my paranoia is absolutely unfounded and ridiculous. I'm paranoid that I won't pass my courses this year because they aren't anything I truly find interesting. I'm paranoid that someone right now is suffering and I can't help. I am paranoid I may not live to see 25, or my mother/grandmother/aunt/uncle/brothers. won't live to see me get married or have a child. My paranoia may stem from dependence or just the psychological effects of anxiety.

You see, my anxiety started around November of 2008. The reasons for this, I was heading into a surgery that was 50/50 to make my legs better or they could leave me in worse shape. I rolled the dice. One of the truest risks I've taken in life. It never paid dividends. There are some nights I can't sleep now because my legs are sore and tight. My anxiety had stemmed from what happens when it doesn't go my way.

It didn't, It is also when my perception of the world completely changed. The world is frightening, beautiful, eery and at times completely unbearable. It made me really hate people around me who talked about how their biggest worry was some shitty high school course, or they didn't get the phone they wanted. It is when I became misanthropic. It is when I knew that no one could understand what I went through. In that year,  I felt alone, selfish and ultimately it was one of the worst points in my life.

Since that surgery, I am still the same. I still dislike people, I still think a majority of people's problems are solvable and I still think my story is one of a kind. I was given no hand outs. I was put at a disadvantage from life's beginnings.

I met a beautiful girl whom saved me in many ways, she is the person I can try to tell how I feel.

She showed me the world is not as dark as what it seems.

However; recent paranoia, anxiety and depressive feelings are beginning to bring me back down to Earth (or what I perceive it).

Paranoia is something that is its own beast, it is hard to explain.

Paranoia and Anxiety are closely related. I cannot tell you which one causes which, or if correlating the two would be a fallacy.

I can tell you this topic was a suggestion I got from twitter. I had never really thought about how paranoia effects my day to day thinking. In fact, it has helped me learn a lot about the things I feel and why.

Regards,
Devon

Always looking for more topics, can be about anything from politics, sports, movies, music or more about mental health.

Thanks for reading.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Rehtaeh Parsons and its backlash

This girl has hit me hard, deep in my heart. In my plums.

She was a guilty of innocence. She had one slip up. And was made out to be a cartoonish version of Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan wouldn't have even got it as bad as she did.

It circulated child pornography pictures that she inadvertently took part in.

Showing her lack of caring and other possible instabilities. Which every girl in her teens would probably have. She showed her breasts and they circulated around school, her town, Canada and the world.

Which is scary how much power the internet holds. In fact, it should terrify you that anyone could release your address and phone number on a public forum at any given time. Lives are ruined on the internet. Whether it is divorce, families, or just crippling depression. The internet will not help you much, even this blog can only do so much for a human. The internet enforces malice rather than proper and responsible help. Negativity and pessimism instead of Positivity and optimism. It doesn't take a whole lot to notice. Your world is dictated by a screen at my age. How many followers, how you can hit glory, or in this case what "shock value" thing you can do to be noticed? I've made terrible jokes, I've trolled, I've probably even cyber bullied to a degree. In most cases cyber-bullying is coincidental.

This case was of facetious. These 2 teenagers (of whom should have their name posted as they have publicly shamed someone else) did damage that they could not have even imagined what it could've caused. I'm sure they didn't expect it to go that far; however, it did and their remorse is probably the highest you can get. They should see jail time and be charged as an adult. But, foolishness and ignorance will probably prevail. "Boys will be boys" is likely going to be the defense. As they didn't kill Rehtaeh they forced her hand. The laws introduced are not enough, people are cyber-bullied daily. People suffer anxiety and depression. People can't talk about it without being judged or marred.

I am vulnerable, I write this down as stress relief and hope it reaches people who need it most.

Mental Health affects every aspect of life. Rehtaeh had it taken from her. She didn't have the chance to defend or talk. She was judged, made fun of and mentally crippled by teenagers and adults who had no idea who this girl was.

Not to compare myself to Rehtaeh as I don't have one Iota of what she endured. But, my vulnerability was put on the line by choice. She had no chance to become vulnerable.

Her anxiety was unique as the sense that it was so public for being underage. Her depression is probably deeper than I will ever imagine because she had her own bed made for her.

She couldn't talk because no one would listen, or believe her story.

She is not the only person who will end her life because of crippling anxiety and depression. For that, I am truly saddened. Anxiety is not a weakness. It is rather a part of life, and always has been. There has never been a better time than now to talk about.

Sorry. RP. You will inspire people to fight mental illness. People like me.

Regards,

Devon

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Today's thoughts

Or are you? Today I feel as if the mood of your mind is set day by day. It always is. It is the severity.

Logistically, everyone starts Tabula Rasa (Blank Slate) when they are born. They are just waiting to be programmed. I would argue otherwise in terms of inheritance of behavioral traits.

You should be given everything to be able to remain a healthy and happy individual. In an idealistic world, that is true; However, what is seen at the surface is not always the case. It is all how you choose to look at the stigma that is anxiety.

For much of the last year, I viewed anxiety as a positive driving force. For the last 3 months. Any progress I have made with my mental health have been washed away. I am unable to look at life the same.

I miss those who are not here, and those who are here but not near me.

Mental health is fickle, often it is dictated by random occurrences in your life. How you react to a bad mark on a test, somebody being sick, somebody passing or just general day to day feelings.

I personally do not believe my issue lies in talking about my anxiety, I know where I stand. I know how to deal with it. Taking a year of psychology was both a blessing and a curse. I know more about the feeling of it and know too much of why it may be caused.

It is something that should be dealt with on my terms. This time of year is particularly bad, because I am not sure where to turn. What to do most of the time.

I got some of what is building up on paper/text. I will write a little more detailed blog about that 3 month journey, later tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks for reading, if you have any mental health related topics to throw towards me. You know where to find me

Thanks,
Regards,
Devon 


Monday, June 24, 2013

I saw somebody the other day

He perched across from me. Looking longingly into an empty voice. He lightly curled his lip to give himself something to smile about. The lights weren't on, he looked different. I couldn't figure out what was wrong

I couldn't figure out how to help this person that I have a connection with. I've forgotten what the connection is. He looks malcontent, he looks blankly at me. I look at him. I think about how he was probably happy in his younger days. He looked as if he has seen a ghost.

"Hello? Are you alright?" I whisper

I do not get a single response, not a facial expression. Not a sigh. Just a blank stare. I repeated

"Hello, are you alright?"

I look at him differently, he looks like he has experienced something he shouldn't have. He looks like he might be grieving but cannot let it our.

"Father, son, Holy Spirit." He repeats. Kissing the beads he pulls out of his pocket and points the rosary beads to the sky.

I cannot talk to him. It is like he cannot see me. He is human, I am human? We should be able to connect. He has no idea how to handle himself in any situation now. Socially he is angry, emotionally he is void. Psychologically he has nothing to think about but sadness

I wish I knew what bugged him, who he was, where he has been. If he will ever be 'normal again.'

The face of a man who looks depressed beyond comprehension, unable to move. Unable to speak to anyone..

I do not know this man, I miss who he used to be. I want to see this guy laughing, see this guy smiling. He looks like he has been crying himself to sleep for 4 nights. How many people does he miss? Will he get those people back.

This guy, I've never met. I want to make him happy again. That's all I want

He's too young to face these challenges, to take these constant barrage of life problems.

I want this guy to enjoy his life.

You learn a lot about a person by looking at them for a few minutes.

Regards

Friday, June 21, 2013

Closure doesn't exist

In any form. You never get closure from a job well done. There is always something else to do. Can't get closure on a bad week because you know another week is around the corner. Most of all you can never really get closure from anxiety disorder. Or depression. It is something that hangs around.

No matter the medication, who you talk to, if you get money, something life changing happens. It doesn't matter. Anxiety is a stigma. You never get away from it sadly. Nor are you ever really comfortable admitting your mental health problems.

Closure is a word thrown around fair too much. Over the past 2 weeks, I've heard you get closure from finally burying a human being. You don't. In fact, it opens it more. It opens those feelings more. A persons life never ends. It has touched lives and will continue to touch lives well after they are gone. I still don't know how to grieve. I don't have an outlet. I still hear my grandpa's voice. Everyday. The burial was a closure period. It didn't bring closure.

Because of the lack of closure on grieving, I can't sleep, don't want to eat and have been very grouchy. Yet, I'm supposed to feel like it was a closed chapter.

Anxiety is never open and shut. You tell someone you have anxiety and suffer depression and they have to take your word for it. It is how they react that really affects how you react from then on.

I'm concerned for my personal health, because I can't sleep. I don't laugh, don't listen to much music. I'm frozen in the moment. Unable to move around. No one really knows what goes on in a persons head.

No one ever knows why a person feels anxiety. It culminates and manifests so quickly you are overcome by it.

I've never found closure. I'm more scared now than ever. The ones you love never last forever and that is truly the single most unfair thing about life. I will do a more detailed blogpost on my current mental state. It would be beneficial to my readers to understand my perspective.

Hug the ones you love and hug them tightly.

Regards,

Devon

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Twitter: new direction and easing my mind.

What can you say about it? It is vile, aggravating, annoying, vicious and ridiculous much of the time. Others, you may meet a person who genuinely cares about the networking site and become a very important member and confidant.

You crave followers, constantly thinking of originality and always wanting validation. The tweets you make have been done in some form. Sharks waiting for you to slip up. People creating drama for boredom and more trolls you can handle.

Alas, I hit 10k and found out that I did not have quality followers. I had quantity. Which is never what I wanted. I wanted people who shared jokes and stories and supported each other. Have so many random people who make rape and roofie jokes. Foul jokes about 9/11. People who know very little about politics stating they are a strong libertarian and constantly make tweets about other ideologies. People saing they are atheist and immediately picking on people who have found some semblance of hope in this dark world. Some semblance of a handle to grasp on life. People who tweet motivational stuff and tell people who are in a rut that it is easy.

You do twitter your own way. You are entitled to that. I wasn't doing twitter my way. I will be weeding followers out over the next month. Those who read this are probably going to stay. People who interact with me are great or people who favorite anything in the past while will be saved.

I am changing my twitter outlook not to be an elite, rather a person who wants to enjoy twitter for what it should be.

It had been putting pressure on me to create jokes, to go favorite and interact with people who had no interest in it. Trophying tweets had become a chore that I have to do everyday. Alas, friends this is the end of the craving followers era and into the taking twitter easy and maybe actually enjoying the comedy. If I do unfollow you and you want a follow back, all you have to do is ask. And honestly, if you read this please do.

I am not doing this to be a dick, a cunt or an asshole. I am cleaning it and making it fun to scroll through my timeline. Do not hesitate to talk to me. Learn more about me. I am an open book and willing to learn more about you and life itself. Lord knows it could help my anxiety issues.

This is not a move of arrogance but a move of easing my mind of stressors and anxiety revolving around social networking. I am finally doing twitter my way.

Thanks for taking the time to read it, much love and respect all.

Talk to you soon, hopefully.

Thanks,
Best regards,

Devon

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Missing something to chew on

I had surgery on April 19th. Surgery that required 8 weeks of liquid diet afterwards. I was told I would lose about 20-25 pounds. I've lost almost double and it has weighed on my mind more than just hunger.

Food is a habit, for some it is a habit practiced too much, for others they choose not to eat. Those people are interesting. That is a mental disorder. The constant need to feel skinny by anxiety forced onto them by the media. Anxiety and paranoia are interestingly related to food and eating disorders. Right down to if someone is watching you eat or not. How you eat, what you eat and how much of what you eat. People go through drives thrus and sit in vehicles because they don't want any constant scrutiny that they super sized a meal. People don't eat much because they think skinnier is healthier.

Me? I know much about diet now. What I learned is a liquid fast is better than nothing, but can have long term effects. It is almost like a state of being bipolar. I've never experienced mood swings.

Drastic weight loss and stress have resulted in my anxiety being skyrocketed. Don't feel like doing much, can't exercise because I will lose more weight.

The miss of the crunch of chips, even the shitty feeling of eating a burger. I've missed it all. And when eating is one of your vices. It is hard to make up for it. My grandfather dying was a great stressor that I couldn't handle. Didn't know how to handle it without some habitual behaviour. Was hungry, but couldn't eat. Since anxiety carries a lot of rhythm to it. I knew something was wrong, I could not fix it.

Now 7 weeks in, I'm frustrated, I'm anxious, I'm no longer hungry. It is a constant state of insatiability now. It is making me aware how important food is to the mind. Quite literally.

Society shows that people should be skinny or else they are made fun of. I am at the skinniest I have been. I have never felt less healthy in my life. I needed that actual feeling of eating to release endorphins. That nasty yet rewarding feeling of crushing a burger.

The anxiety is eating me alive until next Friday

 Food is necessary for human survival and healthy living.

Being a creature of habit, triggers are no longer possible to avoid.

The feeling of not being able to eat does not leave much meaning to what you are doing.

Regards,
Devon

Monday, May 20, 2013

The affects of love and relationships on anxiety

Love, heart, miss. All of these people say daily to their loved ones. How can you really tell the magnitude of those words. How they affect a persons mind? How they affect a persons heart? P

Love is important. Comfort. Security and wealth in a way. Wealth in love of those around you does more for me than money. Those around me build a shield. They support me at my lowest. They've dragged me out of the mud many of times. Times I couldn't deal, they know when to hug.

Anxiety is a different being. A person who suffers it can say the same thing. It affects your relationships in an almost surreal way. It changes you, the dynamic of everyone around you. In almost 2 splits. You go from friends to they separate from you so they don't have to deal with it, or they can't deal with it.

The other side is they have sympathy, they have empathy. They try to help you. Try to force and motivate you out of your funk. Those are the people you need to surround yourself with.

I neglected to mention those people who say "you have no reason to be anxious, or those who say anxiety is for weak minds"

Love is a big word. I love my parents, my family, my fiancée, my friends and even the strangers I've never met who wanted to know a little bit about me.

As an anxiety sufferer I constantly strain the relationship with everyone around me. I over complicate things and begin to get paranoid. It borders on insanity. But, it opens my eyes and makes me learn to love when someone says they love me. They miss me.

The people around me will never know how much I owe to them for putting up with my pure frustration and anger. I am unable to express it clearly. I don't know how. You can't put a word big enough for the gratitude of those around you.

Anxiety is never consistent. Is never constant. I've been a mess the last week or so. My family has been with me every step of the way. Love affects in many a positive way.

Without them, I would have no support. I would be eaten alive my by anxiety and probably wouldn't be here. Learn to love those around you regardless of the shit that has happened. Grudges only make the anxiety worse. Build a clear support system. Try to eliminate those sources who try to minimalize your anxiety. Talk about it with the ones you love. That's something I never did. I let anxiety eat me for 2-3 years because I thought I was weak to talk about it with the ones I love.

Don't be afraid to talk to people about anxiety. I love you all, thanks for reading.

Regards,
Devon.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

The effect of death on an anxious person

Can't sleep
Don't eat
Can't eat solids
Don't drink
Feel dehydrated
Apathetic
Empathetic
Sympathetic
Don't want to sleep
I hear my grandfather's voice all but 2 weeks ago.

Hear him say he can't wait to go to my wedding, and play crib with me... Sometime after his surgery that was scheduled today.

How does one handle such a sudden death? 85 years of battling and kicking ass at life. He was taken, swiftly and what I feel is unjustly. He battled everyday of his life. For his family. He made the decision to stop drinking for more life, more laughs. At the end of life. All you can hope is you live a life full of love, he did. Live a life where you battled for someone, something. He did.

Why at 85 years 8 months do I feel that it was unjust to take him?

I'm still in disbelief, I thought he would live until 90-100. Living everyday just as stubborn as the last. It eats at me. He battled for us, we showed it. He lives through my family still. I've been heavily medicated through caffeine and painkillers from my surgery.

Which my aftercare is shot. I was irresponsible and didnt care about aftercare. I wanted to be there for my family, I thought I did well enough. Selfless and trying, it amounted to relationships built, I hope.

It makes me anxious about my own life. My thoughts on the times I thought about ending it. It is overwhelming the impact that would've had on my family.

I'm slowly reverting into a misanthrope, an angry person. It is the most common emotion after sadness from grieving. It is a natural cycle. One that isn't fair to life.

I can't go visit him. I can't do the little things like lift his walker in and out of the vehicle. Talk to him about speaking Cree. Which I had planned on since the age of 7. 14 years I had to indulge myself in his stories. Thought I would have time, lost track of time.  I never did. I think that is why I want to talk, and won't ever end the conversation first when I am talking with people. Hang onto those moments when a conversation goes too long.

My final words to him were "never going to say bye, grandpa. I'll say see you later."

I saw him later. Pale, in suspenders, with his glasses on. Seeing some of me in the reflection of his glasses. Waiting for him to get up into his favourite chair and try to engage a conversation deep enough that you don't leave. Regardless of how lifeless he looked. He in a way told his story when you saw him at peace. You could live the life he lived by touching his face.

As naive as it sounds. I felt he was in the room celebrating life, how he wanted us to.

It is the only thing that brings semblance to this mess I am trying to live through. I have a picture of him, me and my godfather, charred and composting in Kinuso somewhere. The only picture I have with him.

I carry you with me grandpa, My Mushom, my friend, my elder. You taught me so much about the meaning of life when you died.

This blogpost is to get some feelings out.

Regards,

Devon

Thursday, May 2, 2013

My Eulogy for my Mushom (Grandpa)

How do I put into words what it means you are gone, grandpa? How do I accurately say what you've done for my family?
You were the head cheese, the glue for this family. You were how everyone managed day to day. Knowing you we're are home, watching sports. Making bets and drinking tea. Scratching tickets and waiting for the phone call. How everyone had to yell for you to hear them. You were wise, you were strong and you were a warrior. I know you are a crib player, a conversationalist and a hell of a Cree speaker.

I regret never being able to speak to you in Cree, never taking advantage of the fact you speak it clearly and concise. I always said " oh, I'll go see him next month and start learning." I never got that opportunity. I never got the chance to say tansi, even. Never got to play crib, I promised you I would come play crib with you at the end of April. Instead, I have to help bury you.

You hated grudges, you hated the constant bickering, you wanted your kids and grand kids to unite as a family and stay strong. That message was lost through the years. I'm very sad it took your passing to remind us how strong we can be as a family.

I hear your voice, every time I think about you. Asking me about my girlfriend. Telling me how excited you were to come to my wedding. You'll be there, one way or the other Mushom. You are the reason I battle through my anxiety and pain. You were a true warrior. You had even died and came back to life, battled tuberculosis, alcoholism, multiple bouts of pneumonia, and COPD. You were an inspiration. You were one hell of a stubborn man. Stubborn as a mule doesn't even cut it. You knew nothing could take you out. I am living the same way. Stubborn enough that you came back to life and still kicked its ass for 10 more years.

You always bet 4 dollars on sports select , bought 8 scratch tickets, but never 10,
Because 10 never win you any money. I still see you sitting in your chair, swearing at the TV because Indianapolis screwed you over.

You were the only one who recognized my voice on the phone right away. Talked to Anyone who wanted to list and fight for what's right.

You never wanted to die alone Mushom (Grandpa) and you didn't. For the time that I was alive you always had one of your kids holding s grudge and not talking to you over something. In the past 3 months. You had every kid and grand kid talking to you. With love and appreciation. You never died alone. We all love you. You carry our love and you carry

We always will love you, and you are still with us. You live through all of us.
We are going to struggle to find an identity, a true meaning to life.
I love you Mushom, see you on the other side
I love you more than life itself Mushom.
You didn't want us to be sad when you passed, so, I'm going to try. I am trying. But, I truly miss you more than anything. I would give anything just to play a game a crib with you, to talk to you.

Best regards,

Devon

God bless you Mushom Max. You're never forgotten.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Rehtaeh Parsons and social media

Rehtaeh Parsons (was) a Teenager in Nova Scotia.

I've been regretting writing this post, as it is the same shit as always. Same story, same outcome, and same level of caring from people who should care.
The judicial system has failed and will fail again.

Reh was a 17 year old high school girl, like any other I guess you could say. Went to school, and dabbled in parties on weekends. Business as usual for most high schoolers. Media and social networking gets blurry on the next details. She drank a lot, she blacked out. Yes, blacked out. Where you don't remember what happens once you reach that point. Typically 0.25-.035% BAC. What is not mentioned or argued, is the fact that one of the 4 guys who proceeded to rape her after the point of blackout, are not charged. For that matter, aren't even put under the microscope.

The incident happened in 2011. She drank, she fucked up and drank too much. What I would assume she passed out. 4 guys proceeded to rape her, one by one. Nobody says anything. EXCEPT for one of the rapists to say take a picture. The picture is put up on nearly every social networking site that we are visit daily.

The next day, she remembers very few details that you would expect from someone who blacked out. Suffering from crippling anxiety and disarray of the whole situation, she was unable to give a reliable testimony for them to look into criminally investigate these 4 shitheads.

That should not be the problem. Photos of their ridiculous actions and selfish fucking stupidity are online. That should be enough to prosecute them. But, alas it wasn't deemed enough reliable evidence to begin to prosecute them.

from 2011 to 2013 she continued to battle through high school. The worst part of it all is nobody was there to comfort her. Nobody cared enough to talk to her. She became afraid. She didn't know what to do. Nobody helped, not one individual could put aside differences to say "hey, everything will be okay." Which is sometimes all a person needs to hear. Instead she got ridiculed, she got called a slut. She was considered a person who liked gangbangs from people who weren't even there for the whole situation. She was called a whore. She was a shell by the end of all of it. That is not fair.

People should be man enough to say something, nod or smile. Include her, even nurture her. She got nothing, she didn't get a wink of helpfulness. Of some semblance of human interaction. High school ate her up and spit her out.

Social media is now a blessing and a curse. In her case it is a curse for right now. Social media lit the fire. She became so much more to people in the town when bloggers, accounts on twitter and close friends were able to tell people how much of a slut she was. How she is playing the victim. People bought into it. People lived it, it embodied them. People hated this girl for basically no reason.

She committed suicide in April. As my previous posts were written, this is very emotional for me. No individual anywhere should be treated like a piece of shit. I have feelings, you have feelings and she sure as fuck had feelings. It is too little, too late to to try help Rehtaeh. You can help the cause by using social media as a positive tool to get those 4 shitheads behind bars.

What can you do? You can talk to people, talk to anyone who looks like they are having a rough day. Listen to people, if they have a story be willing to talk to them. Give them a smile. Make them feel welcome in this shitty world. It is too late for Rehtaeh to have kindness given to her. I send my best wishes to her family.

Nothing or nobody helped this girl in Nova Scotia, nobody cared enough. To the common individual to the elite, nobody gave 2 shits about this girl who got raped.

Bullying has to fucking stop, cyber, human, fiscal, personal, elder, spousal. All of it has to stop.

Rest In Peace Rehtaeh, you will not be forgotten. You may become a face for change, a face for an anti-bullying campaign.
We need to start saving lives instead of ridiculing people.

http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/teens/home/splash.aspx Here is the number to kids help phone.

If you are in post-secondary, talk to a psychologist. If you are stuck and feel trapped. Talk to those close to you. Remember "This too shall pass" and please talk to somebody if you feel anxiety or depression. Do not bottle it up, it will consume you.

Thanks,

Regards,

Devon

Monday, April 8, 2013

I am

I am writing this blogpost to help people gain a little insight into who I am

I am funny
I am odd-looking, I am also aware of this.
I am unique, but as are all of you.
I am an avid gamer
I am a proud Indigenous Canadian
I am not better than anyone
I am easily frustrated.
I am easily angered
I am not hesitant to hit inanimate objects
I am unable to lay a hand on another human, regardless on how much you piss me off.
I am unable to make jokes about rape, racism, or using the word 'retard' and you shouldn't either
I am a person who was born with Bilateral cleft lip and palate
I am able to tell you what you should hear, if others cannot say it. (good or bad)
I am capable of feelings.
I am capable of comforting you, regardless if I have ever met you
I am a person who has broken my arm twice.
I am a person who has experienced 18 surgeries in my life (3 more on the way)
I am stronger because of them, not weaker
I am a person who does not see what is in front of him at first glance.
I am a hypocrite, as are you.
I am human
I am able to forgive
I am selfless
I am a sufferer of mental health problems
I am learning to control this.
I am most interested in learning about others, as you are the people in this with me.
I am a person who speaks from the heart.
I am an individual.
I am me .

I am done with this blogpost now, it is redundant. This is me.

Thanks,

Best Regards

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Negative news media and its effects on anxiety

Anxiety of the masses, it is hard to justify that something can affect multiple people in one area. Each individual is different and deals with things differently.

At the end of the day, all of our information gets piped through the internet. I don't read a newspaper because it is all on my 4 by 6 screen. But, what are you really reading? How North Korea is threatening everyday. Murders, rapes and people trying to justify the fact they were raped because they were dressed provocatively.

The worst one of all, the health column. How bad do you eat? How shitty of a person are you for eating a little bit of cake? You are fat, you are gross and have no self-control.

Sometimes it is as blatant as that. Look, your body needs sugar, needs fats, needs salt. And your body needs a little bit of belly to help your brain. You don't need to be flat, you need a little girth. A little weight. It is no reason to freak out if you put on a few pounds. As long as you are happy with it. Magazines and newspapers put such stringent rules on society and how they should feel. Why? It is what they are paid to do. They break down your conscience and on the next page will have advertisements for hot yoga, weight loss plans, or a new pill. Why bother? Why bother reading these things?

Another issue I have with the negative news media is.the actual effects on the human body. Read a story that really affects your mood and your blood pressure will rise and your body's stress response will go haywire for days. It can also depress you. Read a story about a person younger than you who is a millionaire or has 3 degrees and it will seriously depress you. Regardless if you are a jealous person or not. Reality TV shows for people who are "fat" who have nothing left to live for are there to make you feel some compassion. What it actually does it give you a check-and-balance system that "hey, I'm not that crazy".

The constant need to portray people with mental health issue as crazy, or unlike everyone else is what makes me more angry. People deal with things in their own way. Yes 1 in 8 people are depressed. No need to paint them with a broad brush that they aren't like anyone else. Enough of that garbage media people. That affects peoples mental illnesses a lot worse as well. Because they are going to feel worse about themselves.

In my opinion (I will extrapolate in a further blogpost) Money is nearly synonymous with anxiety, and the news and media will be right there to reinforce it. What is worse about it all? They enforce it, and they force you into a corner by offering you "help". Their help puts you more in debt. Causes more anxiety, in some cases drives people to bankruptcy or even worse. Suicide.

So much negativity in the media today, it far outweighs the positivity. It is so much more than that, as I did not tie in sponsorship, who they are paid by, and the whole objective of it.

The news media is biased, and it is never positive. It makes me more anxious than it should. As if they report that we should be worried. Everyone will worry.

Oh, side note. During a mass murder they show the killer hundreds of times to make you feel uneasy and angry, they really need to stop that. Show victims and talk about their story.

Regards,

Devon

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Social media on anxiety, relationships, and well-being

How much does twitter or facebook effect you? You will probably say not a whole lot. But, it does. The difference is, what you see as normal everyday occurrences and speaking with your friends about it is trivial. At this point in technology it is. But at a psychological level. People crave the 'likes' and people crave the 'rts' 'favs' or Trophies on twitter. Tumblr means you want more hits and visitors. I write this blog, this is a form of social media, I do care about views. Because I write this to help other people.

However, the darkness that can come about from Social Media is paramount. Search any racial slur on twitter or google with tumblr added. You will see your everyday average person spewing venom towards everyone that is not their race. Why? Because anonymity makes it easy to do some. It makes it easy to ruin people's day by trolling them. It effects everyone individually. But, the larger picture is. People are just as racist as they were 20 years ago. Now they can spew it without regard for consequence. I personally have a problem with this. I have people who I thought were friends use these avenues to attack another race. It ruins friendships. Family members fight over little trivial spiteful vague posts and don't talk for years.

It can affect how a relationship is founded. I have 2500+ followers, very few of them I know even the littlest detail. But if you post something that strays too far, they can put you on blast. Make you feel like garbage.

Facebook ruins long distance relationships. Sure it is nice to be able to talk to a loved one, or a close friend who lives far away. But, assuming you have some friends close to you. You can connect on facebook, set up meetings. Rekindle friendships, old relationships and if it goes far enough, become intimate and emotionally attached. Facebook is a terrible terrible social media outlet for people who are married or engaged. Because it raises a lot of doubt. It brings about trust issues. People need to step back. People need to realize that 'innocent' conversation has the ability to become a tool to hurt. A tool to make someone depressed.

I don't know if anyone has done studies. But I have the slight feeling that infidelity has risen by a huge margin since Social Media has taken stride (AIM, AOL, MSN, MySpace)

Social media is a slippery slope, I keep it light. I find humor and learn from other people. It is what I look for. However, it is the perspective that really matters for people.

The question at hand is, what exactly do you get from Social Media? How much does it effect you? Positively or negatively?

Too many lives have been lost because social media has been used to harm or depress people, cyber bullying makes it too easy to prey on the 'weak'. 

Regards,
Devon

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Crossing the Threshold

Heavy breathing
sudden flush of senses
heart drops
Muscle aches
stomach pain
tears.... For 30 minutes

I cried, like a little bitch.

When? about 30 minutes ago. I think I broke the threshold from having my anxiety under control to a level of depression.

Who am I?
I'm human, I'm caring... somedays. I crave people worrying about me because it makes me feel some sort of self worth. My life has been a constant reminder that you can battle through it. That's what I want people to take from my life. It is not sunshine on either side. Every day is struggle.

Do I know where I went wrong? Do I know where I end up?
No... The thrill of it is entertaining/frightening. More so frightening.
Surgery in October was a God send. I had an excuse. To stop putting pressure on myself. To stop the constant berating of my feelings. I could focus on comedy, having a shitty job just to yuk it up and take a court side seat and just watch life. Sometimes you don't want to be in the drivers seat. I wanted that sending, I craved it. It was the only silver lining. It was how I was going to break the mold my brother had made. I was going to use 2 years of experience and gain to turn myself into something presentable, and something fitting to the rest of my life.... Unorthodox. I've never been one to do things in the order they are presented. Being different, being weird.

 I told people around me it sucked that I was out a year... It didn't. I don't care anymore. My surgery got moved to April, so... You know, I can go to school in September.
I don't want to do it, I didn't after the first semester of this year. My body is toast, I've now sacrificed my body for what... The off chance at a future? somewhere? where does someone like me fit in?
 I've promised myself for too long, that I wouldn't sacrifice personal health or family relationships for school/work. I broke that promise to myself. That hurts the most. I couldn't even admit to myself that I was making a mockery on any ideals I have.

That's bad. I've reached the breaking point with school. Somewhere something/someone was looking over me with the October date. I was going to be able to rest, I want to do stand-up. Lord knows it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

I'm 21 years old, I would give anything to tell 15 year old me that life is going to suck. But, occasionally you will get those moments that show you why, "Life is Beautiful."

Those moments are overshadowed by my constant need to feel anxious. My constant need to not feel depression. These words write themselves

I grew up faster than anyone should. It is not healthy how quickly some kids grow up today. Age is the number, experience of life's events is the true person. I'm 21. I feel 45-55. I don't even fucking know what my name is anymore. I don't want to wear the name 'Hunt'. I do not associate with that side. My name is Devon. Like, Seal or Cher or some shit now. Until I officially change my name.
It is generational, It is not experienced by only me. I fear what is to come for the next generation.

I won't sleep tonight, I'm fine with it. Depression brings many sleepless nights. Daryl Strawberry describes depression as "The Want to Hide, so nobody can see you." That's the truth. Here I am friends, family and twitter. I'm not hiding. I'm not healthy, dimensions of health is what I learned this year. There is 7 of them. Emotional relationships with friends and family is an aspect of social domains. It is the only semblance of 'good'.  I'm not at a scary place. I'm not at the point of self harm or harming others. Don't worry about that. But, the threshold. The threshold has been crossed, 13 kilometers ago.

Thanks for reading.

Devon Hunt.

 Those people around me, who make me happy. I appreciate everyday with you. That's the beauty in life. How fragile everything or everyone you touch, really is. I love you Mom, Fiancee, friends, family, strangers on twitter. You are keeping the train moving.

At this moment of writing. I love you, Devon. For being able to write this, instead of crawling into the deep dark hole like you've done so many times in the past.