Tuesday, 30 May 2017

Alone

As I sit with my headphones on, having a panic attack all alone; I wonder if my anxiety will ever be truly wrangled. As I take my last SSRI to feel some semblance of happiness, I am alone. I wish I could tell me wife, that I am scared when we sleeps. Because I do not like myself when I am up alone. It's not that I do not trust myself, it is that my health is so hit or miss, I do not know when my number will be called. 

The thing that eats me alive, is I will undoubtedly die before my wife, and the one thing I would hate to do to anyone, is leave them alone. 

Maybe I'm selfish for thinking I'm that important. She'll be more successful, intelligent, and beautiful that anything I'll ever deserve. as I try to see through the tears, I feel as if I am in a fish bowl. Forever swimming... Alone.

Part of my last blog post informed people I used to use trolling as a tool to be isolated from anyone I had a friendship with. It is what I did to feel alone, feeling sorry for myself. 

Now, I wish I could tell those people it was not their fault. I felt alone, and felt like I should be alone.

It is hard to make me feel alive. I am afraid to go to my doctor, I'm afraid to tell people my feelings and what I need. I beat myself up about the littlest things. I tell my brain that maybe being alone is not the worse thing. I am alone, working on me. I'm not the only one who feels this way. You are not the only one who feels this way. I feel whole until 12 o clock. As the world sleeps, I will feel. Alone.

Regards,

Devon

Monday, 29 May 2017

What you can learn from a former troll

Well, I am trying not to be an asshole anymore. Something that is learned about 18 years after you are 5. You don't need to take a piece out of someone just to take a piece out of someone. Something I have learned over the past year is, wow, I am/was a dick. Through facebook, real life, twitter, other social media platforms. I probably deserved to get the stuffing punched out of me. The biggest thing that made me stop. Is the people who tend to take a bite out of people just for fun, just happen to be the kind of people I do not like to be around. So, Why be that person for other people. Weed helps, holy shit can you let go of shit when you are high. Weed for everyone.

Being a troll is a lonely life. Constantly searching trigger happy topics that include immigration, race, money, class. It is a lonely life. If I could get under your skin enough to swear at me. That was a win in my book?

Win?

I am a loser, and am very lucky to have the friends I do have. Sometimes I wanted to be left alone. Sometimes I thought I deserved to be alone.

It was not until a very articulate conversation about gay marriage that I realized I was putting someone else's ethics into question. The smartest person I know. One thing you learn about people you respect, you do not want to see them either; angry, or disappointed. That day, this person was both. I believe I was 16. It was not until I stopped blaming others for my problems that I thought that conversation was the most important conversation I may have in my life.

Growing up with a white conservative stepdad had molded me from a young age, I thought he is someone who showed love where my father hadn't. So, I took the same ethical stances as he did (this stopped around 15, at the time of the conversation). He very much hated the idea of gay marriage, liberal ideologies and immigration. He was a born and bread white conservative. He hated he lived in a house that voted entirely opposite of him. He turned immature and ultimately abandoned everyone who had loved him. Sounds familiar?

I would soon have the second most important conversation of my life. The day he left. I told him you are not a man, you are weak, and lacked any sort of moral fiber. He was turning my life upside down (as I knew it). I became even stronger in my convictions when it came to everything that was about the "conservative ideologies." I had begun to take political science courses so I could learn the other side.

I had begun to curb my trolling by deactivating facebook for 2 weeks. Social media is easy to get lost in. It's easy to be a presence, and it is even easier to be the proverbial wrestling heel. It is easy to make people hate you, it is hard to make them like you.

Be kind to yourselves,

Devon

Sunday, 5 February 2017

Thanks for the words.

Part of life is making friends. Deep right. Fucking. That's why you came to this blog. Hard hitting journalism and facts like that.

Anyways, Since my last post, apparently I activated DEFCON 6 and everyone has reached out. It has been nice. I know I got my crew. I know that I can call or text any of them and they are down for a chat. The issue is. My demons play from around 1-5 am. They are like a cat. Sleep for the whole day and whine all night. When I truly need that "oomph" person to get me righted. Is at 2:34 am or at 2:46 am when everything is starting to spiral and I don't quite know if tomorrow will ever be a certainty.

The lovely art of staying awake, is that you sleep at insane hours and for insane hours to the point it makes you look useless. I am up til 4 am because my legs and my demons like to work an abbot and costello routine on my sleep schedule.

Thursday, 2 February 2017

Slipping

I am writing this to keep myself upright. I am emotionless. Going through. Asked if I'm alright. I'm not, you better believe I will tell you I am. I cannot tell you why I am not. Maybe I cannot handle being me. The pressures of finding a job with my health limitations is amazing. Then throw in the fact that I am now using Cannabis as a pain manager. I am also a god damn lazy slob. My mind will not let me wake up and be anything resembling a human. I want to be everything.

I'll come up short. But, I'd at least like to make a mark on the wall. I have crushing anxiety that you will one day realize that I am damaged goods. I am a leech, I am nothing but excuses. I am self-deprecating and self-depreciating as the days go by.

When I was young all I wanted to be one half of 2 people married and happy. Because I had never truly seen the picture of happiness when it came to partnership. Two people contributing. Two people making bad jokes. Two people being. Two people not afraid of going to the movies because he is afraid he will snap on the person who will inevitably kick his chair. Even though the guy kickin' my chair is not even remotely the problem. He'll become it until he knocks my ass flat. How Bow Dah.

This ideology of the stay at home wife is that the husband goes out and works and brings home the money. Woman...? I don't know, Cleans the room, Does the dishes, Maybe does anything productive. Guess what I do? Write dick jokes on twitter, take 2 pisses and feel some semblance of accomplishment.

I realized January 2015 that I was never going to be what I wanted to be. But my biggest fear is that I will never be what you need.

D.

Thursday, 5 January 2017

I fear

What happens when a person puts themselves on the line? They feel vulnerable, they want to die. They really want to die. Well, last year. I submitted a sub-par piece of writing to publishing website. I got a response asking for changes. Changes were made. Email was sent back. And no email was returned. The lack of followup means two things: My email was lost in the shuffle... Or... I'm worthless and will die in a pit of hopelessness.

I have been a lot happier. I am really trying to see the positive in everything. But, there is a certain point. The state in which the world is in is frightening. I am afraid of my oldest brother, I fear he is capable of brutal violence. He is capable of petty vengeance. I am afraid of my brain, at night. In the morning. I am afraid that my legs will give up at any moment I am walking. I am afraid that I feel like I can work, but I know I cannot work. I fear that I cannot admit to the ones I love that my pain is worse than what I let on. I am a slob, unable to contribute to those who contribute. I am the rut in the capitalism cycle. I do not talk to the people who want to talk to me. I will lose the ones who love me. I'm scared that North Dakota is the start of everything for Indigenous people when it comes to pipeline battles. It is not a battle we will win. But, they/we can try. I fear that the leader of the free world is capable of stupidity that we cannot fathom.
.
I fear me and everything that comes with the word. The responsibility and the person.

I will never live up to anyone's expectations. For once, I do not have expectations on myself. And that is fucking beautiful.


Thursday, 14 July 2016

Assessing everything to do with the politics that is "all lives matter"

Fascinating at a glance. Piercing. The fact that all lives matter is said in today's age is baffling.

So, let's hit rewind

A few years back some white people dressed in blue clothing decided they did not like the way people who had different coloured skin were acting in front of them. So, they decided to shoot them. Social media and major cities had created the movement black lives matter to empower black youth as a way to say do not become a statistic. Which is flooring and exactly what they should do. They should hold peaceful protests. They should hold public inquiries. They should ask for videos of incidents be put on the public record. They should make these cops who have failed as human beings be put on blast.You only get one chance on this Earth. You should really make it count. Shooting first should never be the answer.

Fast forward to a week ago. Well, some white people in blue clothing did not like the way some people with different coloured skin were acting. So they shot them, execution style, in broad daylight and this time with ample video coverage to go with it. I have questioned from the beginning if it was two black youth holding down a white man and shooting him execution style, what would this debate be like. The south would be frying him on the six o' clock news. Yet, because it was two white police officers holding down a black male who was not resisting or posing a threat or reaching for a gun. They held him down and shot him four fucking times. In cold blood.

So, now to all lives matter and your right wing agenda. Yes, all lives matter, at first glance, to you. But, to the rest of us. Only white lives matter for you. Aboriginal lives do not matter. Black lives do not matter. Latino Lives do not matter. Muslim Lives do not matter. Asian Lives do not matter. So on and so forth. Unfortunately, when you say all lives matter, it means nothing. It actually angers the majority of people that reads it. It does not matter to you. You say it so you can stay in your cocoon where nothing happens. Your cocoon of the white picket fence, your pinterest recipes, your 3 dogs and your kids that aren't potty trained til 5 or breast fed until 32.

These same people who say all lives matter always say the same thing. "I hope a cop is not feeling too down or lazy or however you describe on that day you will need them". Look. In the 21 years of my life. I have bought 5 meals for cops and roughly 10 cups of coffees for them. I say hi, thanks. Hold open doors. I want to believe that there is some good left in people. That underneath that blue. There is a person who sees that I am human, they are human. There has to be one. I'm a cynical asshole everywhere in life. But, I guess I'm stubborn when it comes to that.

So, conservative right wing republican asshats. Please stop saying all lives matter.

Best Regards,

Devon


Monday, 7 March 2016

Love

You are everything I am. Everything I want to be.

Unfortunately, I am afraid to reach my own potential. Too afraid to be comfortable. I remember the first time we kissed. The butterflies, the endorphin release and the love that I felt down to my core. Through will, patience and determination I had won your heart. A prize that is priceless to be. To be the keeper of your heart and love is more than I can handle most days. Some days it is the only thing that reaches out to me to grab onto.

I'm alive today because of your heart. You have the biggest heart I've seen. A person who has a storied past and an understanding of what brought you to where you are today. I do not write many love letters anymore. That's my fault. I apologize. There is not enough words in the English language. Jeg Elskar Deg. The first words you spoke to me that truly hit me. It was you sharing a piece of your culture with me. When I'm afraid to show my culture to the world. I truly felt comfortable in that moment. I still get lost in that moment. You've supported me through questionable things, honest things and my decisions (though I may not think them through). Without that, I would not have motivation. I would not know what I am capable of.

I'm afraid of failure. My biggest fear is failing you. I'm probably never going to be who you want. I can accept that. I am trying to be better. To be a better husband, friend and confidant. I'm ingrained not to. I'm an introvert because of my past. I'm an introvert because of the people I once called friends. I want to be that guy you want.

Know I have, will and will continue to follow you and your heart. I will never let go.

Promise.