Friday, 2 March 2018

Nostalgia (brothers)

Living with anxiety coupled with regret freezes you. In a moment, in a minute, for a month, for a year. Living with chronic anxiety is reliving every embarrassing moment and every tearful moment. When you remember most moments in your life, it is because of the emotion you felt at the time. More likely to remember the sad moments than that of a happy moment. So, when you say "I don't remember the last time I was happy", it is mostly true.

I remember a lot of my youth. I looked up to my brothers a lot. They were my biggest role models. I wanted to learn guitar for my older brother. I do not have the patience for that shit. I wanted to learn hockey, I wanted to skate (until I skated), I went to every game. I wanted so much more from my brothers. I wanted to me the punk emo Gordie Howe. Surprisingly, that has not happened.... Yet. My brother was always good at school. Even during his "I don't give a fuck phase" he crushed school. He writes with an elegance that I will never reach. I remember reading one of his essays from high school. He wrote with so much flow and eloquence. It became part of the reason why I started writing this blog. Once again, as my brother as a role model I decided to write. I have no flow, comma splices, and zero eloquence 0/3. 

There's enough that my brothers have done that have left me bruised. They were crusher in the wrestling ring and hand hockey tournaments. They were pretty much all I had growing up. Grudges held my best friends away from me. My brothers were what I knew would be around forever...


I became so much more aware of how much they meant to me as I got older. For just another minute of playing Mario Party in the old basement with the insulation hanging out. Just another powerbomb or suplex on thin mattress on top of a concrete floor. Just another minute of a 5-5 next goal wins hand hockey tournament. Just another minute of being brothers and talking to each other. Going to flea markets to find the latest DVD that they are underselling. Watch one last period of a hockey game that my brother is playing in. One last game of "don't play catch in the house". Just one last minute of nostalgia to make the moment stay. 

You are not given a set amount of time with your family and you are not able to see when everything turns. 

Savor each moment with your family, from the sad ones to the happy ones. Being brothers was never easy. But, they helped shape the person I am. For better or worse. 

Best Regards.


Monday, 26 February 2018


I do not make friends easily, it is part of my flaws. Being afraid of having friends to disappoint. Overthink if I said the wrong joke (most of the times I did). Beginning to see after 25 years of anger, frustration and general sadness. Friends lift you up. Friends become ingrained in your culture. No matter the walks of life, race or sex. Being a friend is the best thing you can do today, tomorrow and everyday,

I also have become aware of how terrifying this blog gets. In my mind, in my life and the dichotomy of anxiety and depression. I do not hold much against the people I trust. I found it easier to end friendships before communicating. I wish I was a better friend. I wish I was a better person.

I am not an example of what I thought I would be. I am not successful, I am not well liked. I do enough to get by. I'm not sure when I stopped fighting. Everyday of my life was a fight. Eventually you get tired of fighting... Finding that switch is hard. Wanting to turn it back on is harder.



Friday, 26 January 2018



It was the day I was to be gone. It was the day I would never talk to you again. It was the day where I realize what I needed. Trying to find a rhythm. A purpose. It was a day where I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life.


It is the day I thought I would never be alive. It was the day where I never wanted to die. It is the day of days, where you do nothing and everything all at once. It was the day where my life changed for the better.


I write to stay alive. I will live. I will make you proud. I will find a new role model. I will be a better person. I will be a stronger person. I will find out where I have gone wrong. What I have done right. I will figure this all out.


Sunday, 17 December 2017


Wherever you are. I hope you are happy. If not, content.

I hope that where I found you was a omen to where you will end up.

Wherever the water went, I hope it gave new life to love. I wish that life had made you happy.

I hope that one day, you find peace. In some form or another.

If there is an afterlife, I hope it found you well.

There is blooms and memories. I have no idea what brought me to that spot.

You have effected me more than I know why. For better or for worse. Fragile and delicate.

Whoever you are I hope you lived a normal life.

Wherever you are, I hope there is no more depression.


Wednesday, 1 November 2017


There is not a lot in my life I am proud of. I am proud of the people around me. I am proud of my wife, my friends and whatever is left of my family. I make $160 dollars a week in a field that is on life support. I do not have a driver's license, I haven't had a full time job for 3 years and my depression absolutely cripples me. I have not felt this down in a few years. I want so much more out of life. But, sometimes it is too much. It is too encapsulating. I have never thought of myself as lazy, unmotivated or slothful.

But, at a certain point, breaks make themselves and if you are not paying attention they go away. I'm not there, mentally. I've never been sure of my abilities. I've never been capable of seeing where life could take me. It is where I am now. Focusing on that is what truly kicks everything into overdrive. I am not a handyman or whatever bullshit a man should be at birth. I cannot cook, I cannot be anything remotely artistic. I am good at video games. What a sentence. I am good at time wasting.

One day I will figure out life. But, killing time for the last 8 years and not setting myself up for success is what truly bugs me. I do not know if that is a product of me or what I thought my life was going to be. It is reality at this point. I'm under-qualified for "adult jobs". I am overqualified for grunt jobs. Only thing I am qualified at is annoying my wife.

Be what you want to be out of life. Cause the moment you lose the desire to want, you lose the desire to be better.

Best Regards,


Tuesday, 30 May 2017


As I sit with my headphones on, having a panic attack all alone; I wonder if my anxiety will ever be truly wrangled. As I take my last SSRI to feel some semblance of happiness, I am alone. I wish I could tell me wife, that I am scared when we sleeps. Because I do not like myself when I am up alone. It's not that I do not trust myself, it is that my health is so hit or miss, I do not know when my number will be called. 

The thing that eats me alive, is I will undoubtedly die before my wife, and the one thing I would hate to do to anyone, is leave them alone. 

Maybe I'm selfish for thinking I'm that important. She'll be more successful, intelligent, and beautiful that anything I'll ever deserve. as I try to see through the tears, I feel as if I am in a fish bowl. Forever swimming... Alone.

Part of my last blog post informed people I used to use trolling as a tool to be isolated from anyone I had a friendship with. It is what I did to feel alone, feeling sorry for myself. 

Now, I wish I could tell those people it was not their fault. I felt alone, and felt like I should be alone.

It is hard to make me feel alive. I am afraid to go to my doctor, I'm afraid to tell people my feelings and what I need. I beat myself up about the littlest things. I tell my brain that maybe being alone is not the worse thing. I am alone, working on me. I'm not the only one who feels this way. You are not the only one who feels this way. I feel whole until 12 o clock. As the world sleeps, I will feel. Alone.



Monday, 29 May 2017

What you can learn from a former troll

Well, I am trying not to be an asshole anymore. Something that is learned about 18 years after you are 5. You don't need to take a piece out of someone just to take a piece out of someone. Something I have learned over the past year is, wow, I am/was a dick. Through facebook, real life, twitter, other social media platforms. I probably deserved to get the stuffing punched out of me. The biggest thing that made me stop. Is the people who tend to take a bite out of people just for fun, just happen to be the kind of people I do not like to be around. So, Why be that person for other people. Weed helps, holy shit can you let go of shit when you are high. Weed for everyone.

Being a troll is a lonely life. Constantly searching trigger happy topics that include immigration, race, money, class. It is a lonely life. If I could get under your skin enough to swear at me. That was a win in my book?


I am a loser, and am very lucky to have the friends I do have. Sometimes I wanted to be left alone. Sometimes I thought I deserved to be alone.

It was not until a very articulate conversation about gay marriage that I realized I was putting someone else's ethics into question. The smartest person I know. One thing you learn about people you respect, you do not want to see them either; angry, or disappointed. That day, this person was both. I believe I was 16. It was not until I stopped blaming others for my problems that I thought that conversation was the most important conversation I may have in my life.

Growing up with a white conservative stepdad had molded me from a young age, I thought he is someone who showed love where my father hadn't. So, I took the same ethical stances as he did (this stopped around 15, at the time of the conversation). He very much hated the idea of gay marriage, liberal ideologies and immigration. He was a born and bread white conservative. He hated he lived in a house that voted entirely opposite of him. He turned immature and ultimately abandoned everyone who had loved him. Sounds familiar?

I would soon have the second most important conversation of my life. The day he left. I told him you are not a man, you are weak, and lacked any sort of moral fiber. He was turning my life upside down (as I knew it). I became even stronger in my convictions when it came to everything that was about the "conservative ideologies." I had begun to take political science courses so I could learn the other side.

I had begun to curb my trolling by deactivating facebook for 2 weeks. Social media is easy to get lost in. It's easy to be a presence, and it is even easier to be the proverbial wrestling heel. It is easy to make people hate you, it is hard to make them like you.

Be kind to yourselves,